Emerging

There’s been a change for me recently.

It has taken until now to fully understand what it is. It’s actually quite simple — I am finally beginning to emerge past my illness. It’s finally starting to be in the distance of my rearview mirror, instead of sitting in my rear window.

It feels good, like baggage I am leaving behind.

Part of it is that I feel as though I am moving forward instead of just trying to get where I was. It’s not that I am back where I was, but that I am just taking a different road to some place new.

It’s interesting, new, and unexpected. Not that I really thought I could go back, but just that I didn’t think forward would come so soon.

I am seeing progress in a lot of different areas of my life and that momentum is what is pushing me forward. I feel as though I am ready to take on new challenges again and to conquer new goals.

I feel strong again, mentally and physically. That’s the biggest difference in the last few weeks. I feel grounded and content. I like where I am now.

Oncologists are still going to be part of my life for at least a few more years, but my appointments with them are pretty straight-forward and not much different from an appointment with my regular doctor.

I am not on any regular medications and haven’t been for so long when I had to pick up a temporary prescription lately the pharmacist remarked he didn’t know I was still here!

It was the same when I saw my family doctor about my neck and shoulders this week – he remarked it had been a while since he had seen me (granted he’s my alternate as my usual doc is on maternity leave).

It occurred to me that I no longer organize my life according to doctor appointments (and until that occurred to me, I hadn’t realized I was doing that!).

I have thought about changing my name on here. When I first created the blog and chose my name I wanted something that talked about my journey but that could also be still used when I was ready to change it. That is why the address is “bcballroomdancer”. I am a dancer who lives in British Columbia, Canada.

I don’t think I am completely ready to make that change yet, but the time will be coming soon. I still have things to offer those who are dealing with breast cancer, its treatments, and side effects, and my own journey is not over (I still have side effects myself) and I don’t want to lose those things.

Do you have any thoughts? I would love to hear them. Perhaps you have an idea for a name that still represents my journey, but is more obvious I have survived?

I feel like I am coming out of my cocoon, but I am not quite sure I am a butterfly.

Yet…

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A reflection

It occurred to me today that this time a year ago I was preparing for my total hysterectomy.

In some ways, I can’t believe its only been a year because the difference is incredible.

This time last year, I couldn’t work full days. I was exhausted all the time. I was still on hormone therapy so my mood was all over the place. I was depressed and on strong anti-depressants. I couldn’t sleep so I was on strong regular sleeping medication. I was plagued with hot flashes and most days I felt like I couldn’t think.

I was living through the nightmare of my final days of preventative breast cancer treatments, waiting and hoping that having the full hysterectomy would bring an end to the treatments and side effects and give me my life back, without knowing what the result would be.

It turned out to be better than I or my doctors had hoped.

It was a really difficult decision to make, essentially giving up any chance to bear a child, but once it was made I didn’t look back. In the end, despite what I lost it was the right decision.

Fast forward to today, 1 year later. I have energy. My strength is returning. I am losing the chemo weight. I feel motivated, strong and positive again. I am enjoying my life. The only regular “medications” I take are vitamins. I am back to taking medication for insomnia about once a week and a half dose at that.

I am fully back to work and achieving great things. I am more than halfway through a masters degree. I am dancing on a regular basis and gaining strength with noticeable improvements at the gym.

There is still a long way to go but I am definitely moving forward again. Some elusive goals are starting to look like they will be achievable sooner than I had hoped.

It is amazing the difference that a year can make, and as I reflect I also feel myself doing some small reevaluating and looking at some of the things I want to make a priority for the next year.

Lots of adventures still to have, now that I am healthy enough to fully have and enjoy them.

I can’t wait.

Milestone reached

Whew!

I finally started feeling better yesterday (thank goodness!), and along with it came the completion of going through all 9 routines during my lesson yesterday!

It’s been a pretty long road for this. Yesterday we reviewed the end of the Paso and finished the foxtrot meaning I now have the steps for all 9 routines in my head.

Now I just have to finish solidifying my memorization, get the timing down and do about a million other things to get them ready to perform, but minor details 😉 At least I have the ‘working’ knowledge down.

I should be able to work through all the routines on my own now, although admittedly, some are more solid than others (afterall, paso and foxtrot are only a couple days old!).

It still feels like a good milestone to celebrate, although I really have no idea if and/or when we will actually put them on the floor at a competition.

There is still a lot of work to do, but at this point its about building layers on the foundation, rather than trying to build a foundation, and that feels better.

My ‘one week post vacation grace period’ I gave myself ends today, so tomorrow it is fully back at it. Due to some schedule changes in the studio, my practice time for exercises is shifting slightly from MWF to SunWF, and I will be adding a standard technique class on Mondays after my lesson. I will be dancing slightly more than I was before my vacation, but very marginally and I am hoping it won’t cause problems. My intent is to add a little more to what I was doing and see how it goes as the level I was at before seemed to be working well.

I am (or at least should be) home for the entire summer and I am looking forward to it. Besides being home, there are no surgeries, no treatments, not even any medical appointments (except a 6-month follow-up) until the fall. For the first time since 2014 my summer is all mine to work consistently on dance, fitness, school and work.

I also have only 2 more weeks of my current course for school (which is definitely the most intense), and then I am on to two courses which are completely led by me giving much more flexibility.

I am eager to see what improvements I can make with just over 2 months of consistent work.

Time to get started.

A Costly Loss

I lost my backpack in London.

It was a stupid mistake. I had placed it on an overhead shelf on the bus that took us from the ship to the airport and then forgot to grab it when I left the bus.

It still hasn’t surfaced and I am pretty much out of hope that it will.

With it I lost my computer with all my school files, dance videos, records, budget sheets, music and documents, an MP3 player, e-reader, apartment, work and scooter keys, fitness bands, and the charging cable for all my electronics.

At least I had my passport in my pocket along with my wallet and phone and was still able to get home.

I was also delayed more than 2 hours for my final flight and didn’t get home until well past midnight. I had to wake up my roommate to let me in the apartment. Thank goodness he was home!

Needless to say, my first day home was spent acquiring new versions of what I had lost. I have a paper due for school this weekend, so priority one had to be a new laptop. So far it has been the costliest replacement, although I haven’t looked into replacing my scooter key yet…

Since I had to buy a new laptop, I took the opportunity to try to address the issue I have been having with my neck by getting a larger size one than what I had, returning to the size I had before. Since I am not looking down as much to work or working so compactly, I am hoping that will at least give some relief to my neck and shoulders as I move forward.

I have had two lessons since I returned, both yesterday and today. We are working on putting together the last two routines (paso and fox) and Boss filled me in on his plan moving forward. It’s a good plan, but ambitious. I can tell it is still evolving some, which is perfectly ok with me. I am interested to see how it plays out.

One of the things I am most looking forward to is spending the entire summer at home without any surgeries (minus a very small nipple revision later this week that is done in office) or other obstacles. For the first time in almost 4 years I have a nice block of time to really focus on what I want to do. I can work consistently and can’t wait!

The fall is already looking busy. As of right now, I will be away for 6 weeks just before Christmas for work. I am looking forward to it and hope it does come to pass.

For now, I am definitely jet-lagged and feeling the full effects even though I seem to be adjusted back to my own time zone. My trip was pretty intense just with all the touring we did, so I can’t say it was restful, but it was amazing to see all the different places. 4 more countries to add to my list of places I have been.

I am giving myself the week to be a little more low-key before fully ramping back into the swing of things. Getting my paper done is my main priority this week and resting up some. I am almost done the most intense course of my degree and believe me I am counting down the days. Despite the setbacks, I am still fairly on track and now that I am home I can focus on it more.

I will try to write some more tomorrow or Wednesday as I have some post-vacation dance thoughts to share. As usually seems to be the case, the time off of dance seems to have led to some processing and a few pieces coming together from the step back.

Until then, I will mourn the loss of my bag, and move on.

Getting it done

It’s always a challenge to practice while you are traveling.

But I am getting it done.

Not only have I been able to get my practice in, but I have also been able to do my cardio and strength training, although all of that has been due to some good luck and being able to maximize your work time to finish up a bit early and your lunch times.

It’s certainly garnered a few different looks from others in the gym where I have been practicing. I guess they are not used to seeing ballroom in the gym.

Things have actually gone pretty good. A couple of the exercises I need Boss to look at because I think I have incorporated the twisting, but I am not sure (I could be just fooling myself).

The other thing I have been doing besides exercises are reviewing my routines daily. The standard ones each have 1 spot that needs a little review to smooth out, but overall, not too bad from start to finish.

The latin routines are also going quite well. I am pleasantly surprised that even the new section in jive is pretty together, although there is one step I need to go over with Boss to understand how to do my own steps without him.

In general, I am proud of the amount I have been able to do this week. Work has been a bit intense, but strange hours and before I left I set a goal to try to get my practice and training in, and I have done that!

That’s all for now, one more day here then I head back home on Friday and will have a lesson that night (my way to deal with jet leg). I am looking forward to it!

Digging in

We are starting to blend working on steps with technique.

I had a lesson Thursday night which was a bit of a hybrid.

First, we worked on the jive and adding another small section for me to work on while I am away. If all goes well, I should be able to have it down so I can learn the final piece when I get back, leaving only Paso and Foxtrot to learn.

Once we had gone through the new section a couple times, Boss decided to try the jive with slow music (almost half speed) and see how it went.

It actually went well, and better than he expected. It certainly went better than I expected!

Actually, once it was put in context with Boss it made a lot more sense than what I have been working on. There was one spot I wasn’t doing right (it’s much easier than my version–whew!!), and one spot that I couldn’t quite get to in the timing, but even Boss remarked that he wasn’t quite ready for me to have the steps down as well as I did.

And, it’s actually quite a fun little routine. I can’t wait to try it a little faster, but I am nervous about it at the same time.

The second half of the lesson was focused on one of the promenade footwork pieces in tango.

We have worked on it before, but we were working on my position and tightening it up a bit and making it look sharper. Promenade position continues to be a bit of an achilles heel for me, but it seemed like I made a little bit of progress.

One of the more difficult things I am struggling with right now is best described as trying to balance as a couple vs balancing on my own. It requires me to keep my energy and position forward into Boss so that he can do the same to find a point where we more or less balance against each other.

I always feel like I am going to push Boss over (which is actually more or less what I am supposed to feel like). It’s still a bit of trial and error though because there is such a small window where it isn’t too forward or too back.

In the tango, there is one piece in the sequence we were working on that it is crucial we do this or one or both of us will lose our balance. By the end of the lesson I seemed to have gotten more consistent with finding it, but I could still feel the doubt in my mind every time we worked through that section. I am sure it will come with time and confidence.

At the end of the lesson, one of the other students recorded the sequence of us doing it in time with regular tempo music. I was pretty surprised at how it looked. The sharpness really stood out, and there was only one place where I have to have a look at my timing as my feet were quite out-of-sync with Boss. Overall, that is going to be a pretty impressive section in our routine.

Digging into a couple sections in my routines really went a long way to helping me feel more productive in my work and helping me to understand a bit more of the context to the full routine rather than just my part. It’s funny because a lot of the things we have worked on are coming out when we dance together, often without me realizing it (or Boss sometimes), which is a pleasant surprise.

When I get back from my work trip next week, Boss told me we are going to start digging even more into the routines as we finish up going over the steps for the 2 we haven’t looked at yet and I am looking forward to that. I have 7 lessons between when I return from this trip and when I leave for my next just after the long weekend in May. I hope that I will be able to get the sequence of steps for all 9 routines down enough that I can keep working through them while I am away.

After that second trip, I should be here all summer and I am looking forward to it. I just realized it is the first summer since I was diagnosed where I am not on any therapies, not recovering from any surgeries, and not biding time waiting for a surgery. It’s the first summer that is completely my own. What a concept!!

It should leave lots of time for digging before the fall.

Power

Using my full power scares me.

I just don’t feel like I can control it and if I can’t control it it seems like a likely disaster.

There are times when I move and I really feel like I am on the edge of my control. I know I could do more or move more, but I don’t know how to do it without hurting myself.

It’s holding me back and I don’t really know how to get past it to move forward. I also don’t understand when I became so cautious and timid about my own dancing.

At the same time, it is also frustrating me because I feel like I am plateauing, especially in the work I am doing on my routines in latin. I really feel it in jive. I have finally gotten the footwork down on the part of the routine I have been working on, but it feels so slow and heavy and cumbersome.

It really feels like I will never be able to fully get that routine down and up to speed. Even when I try to lighten up the steps, it still feels like I am missing some major pieces of the puzzle.

It’s an odd crisis of confidence to face right now after coming so far. I am not really sure how I can get that confidence back, besides the obvious just giving my all and going for it. It’s unusual for me to feel that way, so it leaves me racking my brain a little to deal with it.

Perhaps it is only that I am sitting on the cusp of a bit of a breakthrough and I can feel that. Moving forward is possible, but it is going to need a a big push to get me moving down the other side.

It’s also similar in standard. I have gotten comfortable with doing my routines slow and steady, even Quickstep. The thought of trying any of them at full speed or with the music just seems a little impossible right now.

Perhaps it is just too soon to worry about. I know in Quickstep I am really worried about trying it together with Boss. I don’t want to trip him or risk hurting him.

We did go over the standard routines tonight and they didn’t go too bad. I was able to clarify some of the sections I wasn’t too sure about. We finished the lesson with the new waltz conditioning, and Boss did it a couple times with me, so I could get an idea of the difference between doing it on my own and with him.

That sequence does make me feel out of control at times. Especially as I tire near the end. It seems to be coming though, but there is lots to work on.

I am finding myself pretty exhausted this week. It’s been a while, more than 5 weeks, but I got hit with the frequent intense hot flashes this week and it is sapping my energy some. I was sweating so much this morning I was worried I would drip on my students as I was coaching them. Yuck.

I stayed for practice after my lesson tonight, but I could really feel myself run out of steam. I didn’t even try to run my routines with the music, as I felt like I could barely stand at that point, but I did review the footwork. The important thing is that I got it done.

One more long day at work followed immediately by dance. Friday should be shorter, although I have a formal dinner that night. Saturday will be school and relaxing before I cross the country on Sunday.

I hope the hot flashes settle by then, I’ll need my energy next week.

I have to give more thought to what I am feeling about using my power. I am sure once we start digging into the technique more on my routines a lot of things will just come.

Ok, Let’s Twist

I think I finally figured out what Boss has been asking me to do.

Better than that, I can actually feel when I do it and when I don’t.

It took the entire lesson to figure it out, but now that I have, it should be easier to start incorporating it and finding the places it should probably go.

Another mini-mountain semi conquered. I was even able to incorporate it into my samba conditioning but it took until the very last set to figure it out.

We also went through the samba, cha cha and jive together today, which was really helpful. We didn’t do any with the music, but just going through them together helped me to figure out a little better where Boss is during the steps. It helped me to identify a couple of places where I am turned in the wrong direction, but overall it seemed to go good.

Boss was already starting to identify some places that will need work, and he commented that one of the reasons I am having such a hard time getting the routines up to speed is because I am not using my power enough, and I am not twisting my body enough.

Fair enough. The twisting we have been going over and I just tonight starting to figure out that piece.

The power piece — well that is a whole other story, and one I will save for a little later this week. For now, I will say he is right and it is something I have noticed and have been thinking about.

Now that I have figured out the twisting, it gives me something to focus on while I am working through my routines. I certainly left my lesson intrigued.

At chiro today, the Dr. made some adjustments to my feet and right side of my pelvis and hip to try and see if he can’t get my right foot going in the right direction. He gave me a stretch to do on top of it and pretty much we will see what effect it has. Already, I can feel a difference and I have noticed an increased range of motion when turning inside. It’s optimistic for standard, which we are going to look at on Wednesday.

Perhaps this might fix my other twist.

Am I failing?

In most areas of my life, I can say without a doubt I am doing really good.

But one area continues to haunt me, and that is fitness overall.

I feel like fitness is something I am constantly working at, but it just never seems to improve.

My dancing improves, my health improves, my strength even improves, but my overall fitness is stuck and with it my weight is stuck too. And one is directly related to the other.

I have always battled with fitness and weight demons. I probably always will. It took me a lot of hard work and time to get to where I was before I was diagnosed, which was probably the fittest I had been since I was under 20.

One of the my biggest fear when I was diagnosed was that I would lose my fitness and gain weight, which in the end was inevitable for a number of reasons, but my biggest fear right now is that I will never get it back.

That I am not doing enough to take it back. That I am failing myself.

And worse–that there is nothing I can do to have it back. That my body and fitness has been permanently damaged by cancer.

Those are the dark places my mind goes as I continue to struggle to find my way back to feeling strong and fit again. Like anything is possible – a feeling that is still eluding me.

I do know that nothing is ever going to be as it was, and it is only recently that I realized that perhaps the reason I seem to keep failing is that I am still trying to go back to doing things as I did before I was diagnosed, which doesn’t work for me anymore, even if it did then.

Too much has changed.

The program I used to follow has changed a lot, but more than that my eating habits, foods I like, and fitness needs have also changed.

Dance used to be an almost purely cardio activity, but now its much more technical and less go go go all the time, so I need to include cardio in my weight training. I can’t run anymore due to the knee issues, so I need to substitute that with something. I have lost most of my upper body strength and that is taking a long time to rebuild.

My body is still recovering from major surgeries, one of which was less than a year ago.

It’s all led me to make a big change. And changes are scary. And perhaps this change is admittance that I haven’t been doing enough.

I am trying a new eating program that involves essentially tracking one thing – calories in vs calories out. Its much simpler than what I was doing, and perhaps that is what scares me some, but perhaps that is what I need.

I have also given myself permission to go with eating habits that suit me.

Among other things, eating 3 large meals a day doesn’t work for me. Neither does eating as soon as I wake up (meaning breakfast). I discovered what works for me is to eat small light things, mostly fruit, but also some yogurt and nuts throughout the day, and have one main meal in the evening (usually before or between dance). I usually eat between 11 am and 8 pm (7 most nights) and when I do that, I feel better.

My trainer also changed some things up so now I do weight training only twice a week and have one day that is just sustained cardio (elliptical since no running), followed by my dance exercises.

The best thing I can do for my fitness now is convince my body to shed the extra weight its gotten used to carrying around (again) from my treatments. It’s fighting back hard, which is why I keep beating myself up and worrying that I am not doing enough.

But I think it isn’t that I am not doing enough, its that I have been doing the wrong things.

So hopefully the new changes will make a difference. Hopefully it will be enough. Hopefully I can finally succeed.

A lot depends on it, not just dance but also my job, not to mention my health.

I was told something tonight that perhaps will help me keep consistent and give me something to aim for: there is a possibility I will be able to compete again this fall. It’s still a big maybe and depends on a few different factors coming together, but it’s a possibility. Finally.

Everyday I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle, except I am on an escalator going the wrong way. Perhaps to go up I need to get off and go around to the other side.

I know there is more I can do.

Hopefully I have found the way to do it better.

We all have our demons. Mine talk about failing to do enough to be stronger.

Time to shut them down before they take over.

It’s all exercises

I was going to call this post something else, but as I worked through my thoughts a different theme emerged.

I can’t really say yesterday was a great lesson. I was pretty exhausted from a crazy week at work so easily getting frustrated, and my lesson was right before a social dance that wasn’t scheduled when the lesson was scheduled so Boss was distracted, people were showing up and things like that.

We focused on going through the exercises, which was needed, but my head wasn’t in the right place to make it an easy exercise for either of us. I had come to the studio earlier to at least do my exercises and try to clear my head from work, but I think work and jet-leg just all caught up with me.

The theme for the review of the exercises was that I need to move my hips more in latin, but also move more in general. I feel like I am moving them a lot (almost too much), but according to Boss I am not moving them much, and I am not applying the movements I do from my exercises to my dancing. OUCH. I know he meant well, but…

That last part hit a nerve I didn’t know was a little raw, but again it could have been the fatigue. I’ll talk about that a little later.

We began working through the exercises and Boss changed two of them, the rocks I do at the gym (now they are on straight legs), and we changed my “cross” exercise to opening out. In my back walks he wants me to work on stepping further back, but honestly I am not really sure how to do that because I already feel I am walking as far back as I can without losing my hip technique.

We might need to revisit the exercises again soon.

We spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what is going on in my standard side steps and trying to get me to engage my glute muscles when doing them. It was a bit painful the amount of time it took to figure out how to move my body the way Boss wanted me to while using the right muscles. I still have serious doubts I am doing it right.

The sliding doors we are breaking down some of the movements a little more to sharpen it up. It will be interesting to see how that goes with the music.

It wasn’t that Boss was critical (far from it, he even mentioned that one of the reasons I am not moving enough is because I am controlling my movements so much), but it just seemed like everything we tried to do in the lesson my body refused to cooperate with which led to frustration on my part.

It could be a different ballgame when I go to incorporate the changes on Monday. I did the rocks today at the gym (yes, finally got back to strength training!), but I need to give the new version some time to settle as they are all over the place.

I expect much the same with the other exercises. I just need to take some time to work through them myself and see how they go. I hope we will have time to review them before I leave next in 3 weeks.

We ended the lesson by reviewing the new piece in samba in more detail and with me working through the steps on my own. We didn’t get as far as Boss wanted, but at least what we did do I should be able to continue on my own and add to the first half. For whatever reason, the samba is taking the most time to learn with only quarters of the routine coming together at a time. At least we are about 3/4 now.

Returning to the comment that hit a nerve. I was a little surprised to be sensitive about it, but it hit a nerve because we have been focusing on learning choreography, not technique, and there are very few and rare times in my lesson where I feel like I actually dance. Even less common are times when we fully dance together. I think maybe once we did the rumba before I left for Europe.

In short, I haven’t incorporated the work in the exercises into my routines because I haven’t really found any opportunities to do so. When I practice on my own I do try but I am also finding difficulty finding spots where the exercises apply. They are fairly focused, with two of them on specific steps, one on a specific movement which I don’t have a lot in my routines.

When I am working focused on choreography, remembering the steps tends to be my focus with technique secondary. But that said, I know I try to use my technique, but obviously I am missing a lot of spots where Boss would like to see it.

What doesn’t help is the underlying apathy I have trying to keep myself motivated. It’s not that I don’t have any goals, I just don’t feel any rush to achieve them. There is no timeline for me. As far as I am concerned, I have unlimited time to learn these routines and all the technique that goes with them. So I am taking my time, and perhaps more than Boss is used to me taking or needing to learn and incorporate new things.

I guess in the past 6 months since Boss had to reduce the amount of time he dances I have developed my own plan and pace and have become a bit resigned to things.

Don’t get me wrong though — I do very much enjoy my lessons and the progress we are making on the routines and choreography!

But since there are few opportunities, or even expectations (at least until Boss mentioned it yesterday) to do full out dancing, I guess I lack the incentive to really focus on that part of dancing right now. Anything I do on my own always seems limited compared with what I could do with a partner.

So, I have been focusing on the areas where I guess I feel is my wheelhouse right now: doing my exercises and learning choreography.

I am probably not explaining myself very well. In the end, the comment hit a nerve because I feel like I have been waiting for an opportunity to do exactly what he commented on — finding a time to incorporate the exercises into my routines. And I can’t explain why I feel like I am waiting except to say that I generally feel like everything I am doing right now is an exercise.

THAT is what I have been trying to figure out. Quite honestly, sometimes the reason I write here is to help me figure out what I am thinking.

I haven’t incorporated my exercises into my dancing because I feel like everything I am doing right now is a series of individual exercises. Even the choreography. There hasn’t been any time to stop doing exercises and just dance and see how it all comes together.

That’s what’s missing, and that’s why it hit a nerve.

The other comment about needing to move more, I do understand where he is coming from. It’s a constant battle for me to let go of the control because we spent years working to have me develop it. I feel constantly paranoid that if I let myself move, then it’s going to be too much. I don’t think I understand the difference between what I used to do that we had to correct so much and what he is asking me to do now.

I think he wants me to move more while maintaining the control, but I just don’t really know how and still can’t tell the difference between the right moving more and the uncontrolled moving more.

I wonder if maybe we need to do some run-throughs and take videos to just take a moment to evaluate and see where I am at. For ME to see where I am at and what Boss is talking about. Maybe even my practice needs to be recorded. I just don’t know.

When I practice my latin routines, I feel like I am moving a lot. In fact, I don’t do them to the music so I can make sure I allow myself to move.

There is a definite disconnect there. Most likely I am trying too hard. I also know there is a lot of tension and focus when I am working on my own, and it is rare I let myself relax into what I am doing. Perhaps that is all part of it too.

The hall has been crowded for practices lately as well, making it hard to even dance on my own full out without having to dodge other couples.

I am hopeful that tomorrow morning things will be a bit quieter and I can get through my routines.

Comments are comments. Its funny sometimes how something relatively small can have a big impact. I think the comments from yesterday’s lesson also highlighted my feeling like I am failing and slacking off on dance because I have no timelines to meet. I just feel like I am not doing enough right now, but that could be just the inconsistency due to the traveling. That feeling is going to make any comment that implies I am not doing something play right into my worst fears right now.

I may have to write some more about those in my next post.

For now, I am just going to continue doing exercises.