That seems to be the word for the week. Or maybe the month.
I had a set back with healing and moving forward from that is even slower than it was before. I still have a nurse coming in every day to clean and redress my wounds and monitor the progress. Today was the first day in a week that there seemed to be some progress, but it is all in spots that looked almost healed, and then opened up again. I guess I will see how it goes.
I think I am feeling a little disillusioned. My days are running together because there doesn’t seem to be any difference between them. I am still doing my small exercises I am allowed, but that gives me about a minute and a half of active activity in a day, followed by 10 minutes of static holds. Other than that I just seem to sleep. I am averaging 12-14 hours in a night, and still wanting naps during the day.
It seems surreal to me how much everything has changed in the past month. I don’t really recognize my body because it looks so different and parts of it are just plain ‘messy’. Everything feels different.
The elevator has been broken in my building for 4 days now and I live on the 4th floor. We have no idea when it will be fixed because of the holidays. It seems they need to order in some parts. I guess at least climbing 4 flights of uneven stairs twice a day is some activity??
I got word today from my plastic surgeon that I need to start my hormone therapy again. Another big unknown. Last time I started it, 3 days later I came down with shingles, so I had to stop it. I have no idea how I will react to it.
Considering that I am exhausted and healing slowly and already a bit irritable and impatient, I am a little concerned. I guess time will tell.
I have been thinking about dance a lot lately, although right now I still can’t imagine going back to it. I think having to wear a cumbersome binder until at least Jan 14th seems to emphasize things being awkward.
Jan 21st is the magical 8 week mark when I am supposed to be able to get back to dance. It is two days before a competition for boss and all his other students. I am trying not to think about it. It is also just 1 year after I started chemo, and was the competition I did just before I started.
I am worried a little that my motivation is so lacking. I realize with all I am faced and since I am still really restricted, it is not surprising. I just can’t seem to imagine even doing 45 mins of dance in a week…let alone more.
I am sure as I heal more and get closer to being allowed to go back my motivation will return. I guess I wish I was just more excited about it.
I think what I really need right now is a good change for the better in my healing. Right now it is just remove bandage, clean, rebandage and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.