My lesson never happened today. The hall mixed up Boss’s bookings, so it wasn’t opened until 20 minutes into my lesson, so when given the choice of a 1/2 hour lesson or to reschedule, I chose to reschedule.
My day went a little downhill from there. It’s been a long time since this has happened, but today I had no desire to practice. I did anyway, and unfortunately, general disappointment about not having a lesson plus lack of motivation to practice meant practice didn’t go well.
Generally, it seems today is just one of my bad days. I can’t seem to pull myself out of the dumps and events of the past 3 weeks seem to be catching up with me. Aside from radiation, the last 3 weeks have been pretty stressful for me and lot has happened in my world outside of dance and cancer. There have been a lot of general disappointments. Today I just feel under-estimated, under-appreciated and taken for granted.
I don’t really have any reason to feel this way, but it seems the accumulation of everything over the past few weeks has just caught up with me. I feel like I should be expecting another disappointment or two to come out of the woodwork. I am just tied up in knots and something needs to give–I really need some good, positive and stress-free news that doesn’t cost me anything, but I don’t see any coming anytime soon.
It sucks feeling like this, but it’s ok. I know tomorrow will be a new day, and as of Friday I will have only 9 rounds of radiation left–single digits!! It’s also a long weekend coming up, so that has to be good, right?
Boss is supposed to let me know tonight the costs for the competition in October I am hoping to do. I am really hoping the costs aren’t too high. Competing anywhere is always a lot to consider and there are a lot of unknowns for me in October. I have no idea how I will be in terms of side effects.
My financial priority right now, actually, is to work on affording my new dresses which are going to be a necessity in the new year after my surgery. I am really hopeful I will be able to sell my current dresses to help off-set those costs, but I am not sure I will have luck with that. But I won’t know until I try, and that won’t be until after the competition. One of them may be sold already, but the buyer has had some financial issues, so it’s on the rocks. I remain hopeful though.
One good thing about this competition is that there is at least one other of Boss’s pro/am students going, which will help with the costs a little.
Doing a competition may be exactly what I need. I have been working hard, but I really haven’t had much to measure progress against except for Boss’s encouragement. A competition would be something external for measuring that. I am sure I have made progress, but I guess I just have some doubt about the amount.
I will pick myself up and carry myself forward. Just not today.