Milestone reached

Whew!

I finally started feeling better yesterday (thank goodness!), and along with it came the completion of going through all 9 routines during my lesson yesterday!

It’s been a pretty long road for this. Yesterday we reviewed the end of the Paso and finished the foxtrot meaning I now have the steps for all 9 routines in my head.

Now I just have to finish solidifying my memorization, get the timing down and do about a million other things to get them ready to perform, but minor details 😉 At least I have the ‘working’ knowledge down.

I should be able to work through all the routines on my own now, although admittedly, some are more solid than others (afterall, paso and foxtrot are only a couple days old!).

It still feels like a good milestone to celebrate, although I really have no idea if and/or when we will actually put them on the floor at a competition.

There is still a lot of work to do, but at this point its about building layers on the foundation, rather than trying to build a foundation, and that feels better.

My ‘one week post vacation grace period’ I gave myself ends today, so tomorrow it is fully back at it. Due to some schedule changes in the studio, my practice time for exercises is shifting slightly from MWF to SunWF, and I will be adding a standard technique class on Mondays after my lesson. I will be dancing slightly more than I was before my vacation, but very marginally and I am hoping it won’t cause problems. My intent is to add a little more to what I was doing and see how it goes as the level I was at before seemed to be working well.

I am (or at least should be) home for the entire summer and I am looking forward to it. Besides being home, there are no surgeries, no treatments, not even any medical appointments (except a 6-month follow-up) until the fall. For the first time since 2014 my summer is all mine to work consistently on dance, fitness, school and work.

I also have only 2 more weeks of my current course for school (which is definitely the most intense), and then I am on to two courses which are completely led by me giving much more flexibility.

I am eager to see what improvements I can make with just over 2 months of consistent work.

Time to get started.

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What is going on?

First — My bag was found intact!

I am just waiting to hear it has been shipped. Words cannot express the feelings of relief that flooded through me when I saw it had been found.

But on to the rest of the post…

As far as I can tell, I seem to be experience some sort of extreme effects of jet lag.

Or maybe it’s a combination of things. At this point I can’t tell.

Exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. I have never felt jet lag like this. I am not sure it even qualifies as jet lag, since I am actually sleeping pretty good and mostly usual amounts and hours.

It could very well be jet lag combined with menopause symptoms (perhaps brought on by the jet lag??) and stress. With the loss of my bag and late arrival it was certainly more stressful arriving home than I anticipated.

I am having trouble thinking. There is that entire feeling like I am trying to “think through water” and I can’t seem to put a full sentence together without remembering what I wanted to say. I have recently missed some details leading to obvious mistakes. I do know I was having a lot of intense hot flashes last week.

Last night at dance I got through my lesson (we were finishing off the Paso), but struggled all the way through my practice, barely getting it done. I went to review what we had just done in paso and what I retained seemed to be pretty slim. Today I can’t seem to get past the first two bars before I hit a huge gap.

Work today was painful. I couldn’t concentrate and what I was able to do was pretty limited. I have been working on a course and tomorrow I will have to reread everything I did today. The worse thing is that it is a review course.

I went to the gym to try to clear my head and do some cardio and I came very close to stopping halfway through, even though I wasn’t working as hard as I usually do. I cannot believe how much of a battle it was to do my usual 35 mins of cardio and I couldn’t push myself enough to get my pulse up to the right level no matter how hard I tried.

I did finish my paper for school, but I am loathe to proof-read it. Thank goodness it is a formative step to a bigger evaluated paper.

It’s just before 8 pm and I am more than ready for bed and will head there right after I finish writing this.

I am super frustrated with this feeling because I can’t fully explain it. Beyond being exhausted, I feel weak. It was a struggle even to walk back to my office, which is not that far.

I really hope it is just a perfect storm of factors and after a restful weekend (once the paper is handed in!) it will all resolve. I did have minor surgery on my chest yesterday (10 mins in office) and perhaps that is also contributing. Since I can’t even feel what was done it’s a little out of mind, but I do have 3 stitches that are healing.

This has also left me frustrated at dance because I feel like if I could pull it all together I might have some good progress going on, instead of feeling like I am fighting my body for every movement and step. My balance is off and I feel really ‘clunky’ and cumbersome.

All I can do at this point is keep plugging through and wait for it to sort itself. I have never felt jet lag so intensely. Hopefully when it clears, I will be able to sort through the mist and water and fog in my brain and things will emerge clear.

It’ll come.

Quick cruise update

Greetings from the Atlantic!

I am on day 12 of my 14 day cruise and currently sailing from Inverness to Edinburgh. Following that we sail back to Southhampton to start the journey home.

It’s been a pretty amazing trip despite some small bumps. All of the ports have been amazing and I really recommend everyone take an opportunity to cross Iceland off any bucket list they may have.

I managed to get my group project for school done about a week early, so that is a load off! My weekend when I get home will be my next paper but I should be in a good place for it.

The first week at sea I was pretty diligent about eating, practice and weight training, but have relaxed a little the last couple days.

I am a little concerned because I seem to have upset my back and am getting pulling sensations down my legs, especially the right side when I sit or lie. It’s been 2 days now and can’t seem to get relief. I am hopeful it will settle once I get back to normal at home.

That’s all for now, back at things when I get home late Friday night, and a full summer yo build consistency without any travel.

At least so far.

Digging in

We are starting to blend working on steps with technique.

I had a lesson Thursday night which was a bit of a hybrid.

First, we worked on the jive and adding another small section for me to work on while I am away. If all goes well, I should be able to have it down so I can learn the final piece when I get back, leaving only Paso and Foxtrot to learn.

Once we had gone through the new section a couple times, Boss decided to try the jive with slow music (almost half speed) and see how it went.

It actually went well, and better than he expected. It certainly went better than I expected!

Actually, once it was put in context with Boss it made a lot more sense than what I have been working on. There was one spot I wasn’t doing right (it’s much easier than my version–whew!!), and one spot that I couldn’t quite get to in the timing, but even Boss remarked that he wasn’t quite ready for me to have the steps down as well as I did.

And, it’s actually quite a fun little routine. I can’t wait to try it a little faster, but I am nervous about it at the same time.

The second half of the lesson was focused on one of the promenade footwork pieces in tango.

We have worked on it before, but we were working on my position and tightening it up a bit and making it look sharper. Promenade position continues to be a bit of an achilles heel for me, but it seemed like I made a little bit of progress.

One of the more difficult things I am struggling with right now is best described as trying to balance as a couple vs balancing on my own. It requires me to keep my energy and position forward into Boss so that he can do the same to find a point where we more or less balance against each other.

I always feel like I am going to push Boss over (which is actually more or less what I am supposed to feel like). It’s still a bit of trial and error though because there is such a small window where it isn’t too forward or too back.

In the tango, there is one piece in the sequence we were working on that it is crucial we do this or one or both of us will lose our balance. By the end of the lesson I seemed to have gotten more consistent with finding it, but I could still feel the doubt in my mind every time we worked through that section. I am sure it will come with time and confidence.

At the end of the lesson, one of the other students recorded the sequence of us doing it in time with regular tempo music. I was pretty surprised at how it looked. The sharpness really stood out, and there was only one place where I have to have a look at my timing as my feet were quite out-of-sync with Boss. Overall, that is going to be a pretty impressive section in our routine.

Digging into a couple sections in my routines really went a long way to helping me feel more productive in my work and helping me to understand a bit more of the context to the full routine rather than just my part. It’s funny because a lot of the things we have worked on are coming out when we dance together, often without me realizing it (or Boss sometimes), which is a pleasant surprise.

When I get back from my work trip next week, Boss told me we are going to start digging even more into the routines as we finish up going over the steps for the 2 we haven’t looked at yet and I am looking forward to that. I have 7 lessons between when I return from this trip and when I leave for my next just after the long weekend in May. I hope that I will be able to get the sequence of steps for all 9 routines down enough that I can keep working through them while I am away.

After that second trip, I should be here all summer and I am looking forward to it. I just realized it is the first summer since I was diagnosed where I am not on any therapies, not recovering from any surgeries, and not biding time waiting for a surgery. It’s the first summer that is completely my own. What a concept!!

It should leave lots of time for digging before the fall.

Almost got the steps

But I admit to being a little concerned about everything else.

I am getting closer to having the steps down in 6 of the 9 routines. The jive is much more solid and coming. Today during my lesson we finished going through the quickstep and the waltz. I really hope they stick.

But while the steps are slowly coming together, a lot of the routine are obviously lacking the technique needed to pull them off. The worse is jive by far, but I have strange moments when working on samba that it is pretty obvious there are pieces missing.

It’s understandable as the focus has been on the routines and getting the steps down, although there have been some areas of technique we have looked at, especially in latin.

I don’t think I am completely without any technique or anything like that, but I have reached a point in a few of the routines where I can tell I should be doing more and I find myself trying to figure out how to do it.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing.

For example, when working in cha cha, I can feel myself starting to focus a little more on the turns because as I speed it up I have to work harder to execute them. Some of it is triggering things I feel I used to know, like using my ribs to make the turn happen, but I don’t know if that is just something I do, or if it is something I should do.

One thing we have been focusing on lately is twisting of the hips. I feel like there is a little bit of a disconnect there for me because I have been asked to do it, but we have never discussed how to do it and I feel like I do it differently every time. I also feel like because I am figuring it out, I am also limiting myself because I don’t want to do it wrong.

In standard, I find myself questioning how I am rotating almost constantly. Because we were working on that some in the new year, I am cognizant of it, but it’s enough that I spend almost every step wondering if I am rotating wrong.

All this to say I hope the technique, or a review of the technique catches up soon. Some of the routines I can’t even imagine doing slow with the music right now, let along at full speed and with Boss. Quickstep and Jive are at the top of those lists. I am sure they will come though.

Next week is going to be a challenge. I am working crazy hours teaching for work and I don’t know if I will even be able to make it to 2 of my lessons. I am hoping to be able to mitigate things as best I can, but the entire week is going to be a bit exhausting. Following that, I am working on the east coast of Canada for another week.

I can’t help but feel like there are going to be some missed opportunities and that until I return in June my lessons are going to be a lot of review (mostly because there is not any time to develop new concepts — which is completely fair).

It’s just left me feeling like I need to scramble some, and I really can’t explain why. Perhaps it is simply that I don’t want all the travel in May to set me back like I felt happened with the travel in March and April.

Regardless, I am determined to get the steps for these routines down and feel comfortable with them so we can start focusing on the technique and really move them forward. It’s been a big jump to do these open routines, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel. The summer is going to be telling in many ways.

After the steps, time for the next layer.

Jive frustrations

But first something positive!

As I mentioned, I had my first appointment with a chiropractor last week to try and see what can be done about my on-going neck issues. In short, from about my mid-back up to my neck, nothing is really moving and everything – joints, muscles – are just pulled like bow strings. It’s been like this pretty much since my DIEP reconstruction which is not a surprise considering they pull everything down in the front which affects the back.

The chiropractor seemed optimistic, but he was pretty clear that until some things start moving, its almost impossible to tell what is unhappy versus what is just too tight. He decided to start with 4 adjustments in my mid-back, most being on the left side. When he finished he told me to go about my usual activities, but not to be surprised if I was a bit sore the following day and keep an eye out for other side effects.

Well, I wasn’t sore. What did happen turned into a shock to the system. The following day I was working through my dance exercises at the gym and discovered when I went to work on my hip rotations that I could suddenly move my left hip as much as my right without any extra effort.

This is HUGE! I have been frustrated and struggling throughout the months I have been working on moving my hips more with trying to get my left hip range of motion to equal my right AND without having to move my left shoulder to do it. Whatever the chiropractor did, it freed up my left hip.

Call me converted. I am curious to seen what my appointment tomorrow will result in.

The difference is so much that later Friday evening when I was doing my exercises at the studio I was having some trouble reacting to how much my hip was moving and twisting.

And then there is jive…

This routine is going to take a while to figure out. I went to do it today and basically any step that involved any sort of turn (which is about 80% of them) just wouldn’t work out. I tried a different type of turn, I tried turning the other way, I tried a different count or entry but nothing made it work. So, of the 6 or 8 phrases we worked on, I can remember all the steps to 2 of them.

I was able to do it on my own when we finished with jive during my last lesson. Both Friday and today it is like there are giant holes in my memory. Boss told me to look at the video from the choreographers, but that just confused me further.

So, there is going to need to be some time spent on jive in my next few lessons until I can get myself through the routine at least slowly. And it is going to be frustrating the whole way through.

I am ready though. I got through samba, I can get through jive.

Speaking of samba, I have a new MP3 player because my ipod shuffle is losing its battery power. The bonus feature in my new MP3 is that it allows me to slow down or speed up songs. So, today I started working on the cha cha and samba in time with the music slowed down. Cha cha went better than samba, but its a start. I will do the same thing with rumba as well next week.

Next week should be a return to working on the standard routines, so hopefully we can finish up waltz and quickstep (we did tango, but I just hope I remember it and the changes). Last up is the foxtrot which we have gone over once, but I think the last time was just after Christmas or even before.

Tomorrow is also my 6-month follow-up with the oncologist. Not expecting any surprises, and hopefully it will be a quick in/out followed by see you in another 6 months.

Never the “Twain” shall meet…

Never say never….

I met Shania Twain today.

She was visiting where I work to meet people who do what I do and share the story of inspiration behind one of her songs that relates to my work. Being one of the communications and public relations people, I was doing media escort and social media coverage during her visit.

Sometimes, my work lets me do cool things 🙂 Have I mentioned that before??

The interesting thing is while I was in Europe doing training, my coursemates and I spent a night doing karaoke (cause, why not?). As part of the evening, the ladies from the course, representing 8 different countries sang two songs together — “It’s Raining Men” and “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!”

Shania is truly universal !

It certainly was an honour today and an experience that will only likely come around once in a lifetime.

Then, what better way to end a great day with a little dance?

I had a good lesson today. We did review the jive and added a couple more phrases to finish where we had previously. It’s still rocky in my head, but not too bad.

We then worked on the dreaded ‘kick ball change’, a step that my head just does not want to get around, although today it finally started to ‘kick in’.

Yep, I am full of puns tonight it seems, sorry about that 🙂

Boss also outlined his plan for working on the latin routines as we move forward, which is more or less each doing our own part on our own with limited connection and focused on one aspect of technique or another as we do it. It should be interesting.

Maybe not as interesting as my day today, but still interesting.

I am going to stop now before another pun pops out.

 

And then there was jive…

And its going to be interesting.

This week has mostly had a latin focus, with a little bit of tango at the beginning the week to work through some changes to make the phrasing work better.

It’s been a productive week in that we finished off the last pieces of both the samba and cha cha so I can work through the full routines on my own before starting to dig into the jive tonight.

I also had a new exercise added — batacudas in samba — which are needed for the open samba routine. The good news for them is that I have the foundation for them from all the work I have been doing to move my hips and once I work through the mechanics for executing them better they should come along without too much grief.

Getting the last bit of samba and cha cha in my head is proving to be more challenging than I would expect, mostly because my mind keeps trying to over-complicate simple steps (which Boss apparently finds fascinating), but by the end of practice tonight they seemed to both be there. Fingers crossed they stay.

So with 3 of the 5 routines building a steady foundation, it was time to move on to number 4. We had briefly run through the first section of the jive before I left for Europe, but it didn’t stick well and there wasn’t time to reinforce it then. Tonight was a bit of a review, but mostly it was attacking it fresh.

The jive gets complicated because I have a number of similar figures with small variations and I keep mixing up which variation goes when. And that is before even considering the speed, which is going to be a whole other obstacle later. One step at a time.

Already I have found that thinking too much will quickly get me into trouble in jive. I did have some opportunity in my lesson to run through some sections on my own, but I needed to review and work through cha cha and samba at practice so I didn’t get to reinforce it tonight. It will be first on my list for Friday’s practice, and hopefully we will review it again during my lesson tomorrow night (I would be really surprised if we didn’t). I find myself looking forward to Sunday to be able to work through all the routines and really see where they are.

I am finding myself a little more invigorated this week. I think even just the possibility of competing again has breathed some new energy into my dance and motivation and it is showing.

I also can’t discount that my energy levels have steadily been rising overall, and the conditioning does seem to be paying off. My recovery times have been going down steadily to the point where I recover fast enough now it takes me almost 5 minutes less to do the same amount of intervals. I didn’t realize it had been reduced so much and tonight Boss and I agreed to fill a full 15 minutes beginning with Monday’s lessons going forward. It’s going to be an interesting challenge, but I can’t deny that the conditioning is no longer tiring me as much as it used to.

The biggest difference I am finding is that my workouts, practice and lessons are leaving me feeling accomplished instead of exhausted, and that’s been a long time coming. I am still adapting to the changes I am making in my diet, but already I feel stronger and better about eating. In a random exchange, at acupuncture yesterday my practitioner commented that she could see some definite changes in my body. It’s quite possible my body is doing its thing where it gets leaner without really losing weight. Time will tell on that.

I am a little nervous about the challenge of the jive, but I am also excited at it as well. With a little bit of luck, it is possible that we may get all the way through it before I leave for my next work trip on May 6th.

There is still lots to do in standard as we only have the tango in full (provided I can incorporate the recent changes), but both Waltz and Quickstep are ready to be added to, if not finished off.

That really leaves foxtrot and paso, both of which are going to be major challenges, paso more so.

Tomorrow is my first appointment (ever) with a chiropractor to try to figure out and hopefully get some help with my neck. It continues to cause me issues, although they seem to be caused more by my work than by anything physical I do. Acupuncture helps a little for relief, but it is very temporary and the physio exercises don’t seem to be helping so physio actually recommended I be referred to chiro. I have been referred to a chiro sports specialist so that should help, but I really have no idea what to expect. At this point anything would be helpful.

And that’s a summary of how this week is going and my dive into a new routine as I finish those that were works in progress (although they always are works in progress!).

And then there was jive.

Am I failing?

In most areas of my life, I can say without a doubt I am doing really good.

But one area continues to haunt me, and that is fitness overall.

I feel like fitness is something I am constantly working at, but it just never seems to improve.

My dancing improves, my health improves, my strength even improves, but my overall fitness is stuck and with it my weight is stuck too. And one is directly related to the other.

I have always battled with fitness and weight demons. I probably always will. It took me a lot of hard work and time to get to where I was before I was diagnosed, which was probably the fittest I had been since I was under 20.

One of the my biggest fear when I was diagnosed was that I would lose my fitness and gain weight, which in the end was inevitable for a number of reasons, but my biggest fear right now is that I will never get it back.

That I am not doing enough to take it back. That I am failing myself.

And worse–that there is nothing I can do to have it back. That my body and fitness has been permanently damaged by cancer.

Those are the dark places my mind goes as I continue to struggle to find my way back to feeling strong and fit again. Like anything is possible – a feeling that is still eluding me.

I do know that nothing is ever going to be as it was, and it is only recently that I realized that perhaps the reason I seem to keep failing is that I am still trying to go back to doing things as I did before I was diagnosed, which doesn’t work for me anymore, even if it did then.

Too much has changed.

The program I used to follow has changed a lot, but more than that my eating habits, foods I like, and fitness needs have also changed.

Dance used to be an almost purely cardio activity, but now its much more technical and less go go go all the time, so I need to include cardio in my weight training. I can’t run anymore due to the knee issues, so I need to substitute that with something. I have lost most of my upper body strength and that is taking a long time to rebuild.

My body is still recovering from major surgeries, one of which was less than a year ago.

It’s all led me to make a big change. And changes are scary. And perhaps this change is admittance that I haven’t been doing enough.

I am trying a new eating program that involves essentially tracking one thing – calories in vs calories out. Its much simpler than what I was doing, and perhaps that is what scares me some, but perhaps that is what I need.

I have also given myself permission to go with eating habits that suit me.

Among other things, eating 3 large meals a day doesn’t work for me. Neither does eating as soon as I wake up (meaning breakfast). I discovered what works for me is to eat small light things, mostly fruit, but also some yogurt and nuts throughout the day, and have one main meal in the evening (usually before or between dance). I usually eat between 11 am and 8 pm (7 most nights) and when I do that, I feel better.

My trainer also changed some things up so now I do weight training only twice a week and have one day that is just sustained cardio (elliptical since no running), followed by my dance exercises.

The best thing I can do for my fitness now is convince my body to shed the extra weight its gotten used to carrying around (again) from my treatments. It’s fighting back hard, which is why I keep beating myself up and worrying that I am not doing enough.

But I think it isn’t that I am not doing enough, its that I have been doing the wrong things.

So hopefully the new changes will make a difference. Hopefully it will be enough. Hopefully I can finally succeed.

A lot depends on it, not just dance but also my job, not to mention my health.

I was told something tonight that perhaps will help me keep consistent and give me something to aim for: there is a possibility I will be able to compete again this fall. It’s still a big maybe and depends on a few different factors coming together, but it’s a possibility. Finally.

Everyday I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle, except I am on an escalator going the wrong way. Perhaps to go up I need to get off and go around to the other side.

I know there is more I can do.

Hopefully I have found the way to do it better.

We all have our demons. Mine talk about failing to do enough to be stronger.

Time to shut them down before they take over.

It’s all exercises

I was going to call this post something else, but as I worked through my thoughts a different theme emerged.

I can’t really say yesterday was a great lesson. I was pretty exhausted from a crazy week at work so easily getting frustrated, and my lesson was right before a social dance that wasn’t scheduled when the lesson was scheduled so Boss was distracted, people were showing up and things like that.

We focused on going through the exercises, which was needed, but my head wasn’t in the right place to make it an easy exercise for either of us. I had come to the studio earlier to at least do my exercises and try to clear my head from work, but I think work and jet-leg just all caught up with me.

The theme for the review of the exercises was that I need to move my hips more in latin, but also move more in general. I feel like I am moving them a lot (almost too much), but according to Boss I am not moving them much, and I am not applying the movements I do from my exercises to my dancing. OUCH. I know he meant well, but…

That last part hit a nerve I didn’t know was a little raw, but again it could have been the fatigue. I’ll talk about that a little later.

We began working through the exercises and Boss changed two of them, the rocks I do at the gym (now they are on straight legs), and we changed my “cross” exercise to opening out. In my back walks he wants me to work on stepping further back, but honestly I am not really sure how to do that because I already feel I am walking as far back as I can without losing my hip technique.

We might need to revisit the exercises again soon.

We spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what is going on in my standard side steps and trying to get me to engage my glute muscles when doing them. It was a bit painful the amount of time it took to figure out how to move my body the way Boss wanted me to while using the right muscles. I still have serious doubts I am doing it right.

The sliding doors we are breaking down some of the movements a little more to sharpen it up. It will be interesting to see how that goes with the music.

It wasn’t that Boss was critical (far from it, he even mentioned that one of the reasons I am not moving enough is because I am controlling my movements so much), but it just seemed like everything we tried to do in the lesson my body refused to cooperate with which led to frustration on my part.

It could be a different ballgame when I go to incorporate the changes on Monday. I did the rocks today at the gym (yes, finally got back to strength training!), but I need to give the new version some time to settle as they are all over the place.

I expect much the same with the other exercises. I just need to take some time to work through them myself and see how they go. I hope we will have time to review them before I leave next in 3 weeks.

We ended the lesson by reviewing the new piece in samba in more detail and with me working through the steps on my own. We didn’t get as far as Boss wanted, but at least what we did do I should be able to continue on my own and add to the first half. For whatever reason, the samba is taking the most time to learn with only quarters of the routine coming together at a time. At least we are about 3/4 now.

Returning to the comment that hit a nerve. I was a little surprised to be sensitive about it, but it hit a nerve because we have been focusing on learning choreography, not technique, and there are very few and rare times in my lesson where I feel like I actually dance. Even less common are times when we fully dance together. I think maybe once we did the rumba before I left for Europe.

In short, I haven’t incorporated the work in the exercises into my routines because I haven’t really found any opportunities to do so. When I practice on my own I do try but I am also finding difficulty finding spots where the exercises apply. They are fairly focused, with two of them on specific steps, one on a specific movement which I don’t have a lot in my routines.

When I am working focused on choreography, remembering the steps tends to be my focus with technique secondary. But that said, I know I try to use my technique, but obviously I am missing a lot of spots where Boss would like to see it.

What doesn’t help is the underlying apathy I have trying to keep myself motivated. It’s not that I don’t have any goals, I just don’t feel any rush to achieve them. There is no timeline for me. As far as I am concerned, I have unlimited time to learn these routines and all the technique that goes with them. So I am taking my time, and perhaps more than Boss is used to me taking or needing to learn and incorporate new things.

I guess in the past 6 months since Boss had to reduce the amount of time he dances I have developed my own plan and pace and have become a bit resigned to things.

Don’t get me wrong though — I do very much enjoy my lessons and the progress we are making on the routines and choreography!

But since there are few opportunities, or even expectations (at least until Boss mentioned it yesterday) to do full out dancing, I guess I lack the incentive to really focus on that part of dancing right now. Anything I do on my own always seems limited compared with what I could do with a partner.

So, I have been focusing on the areas where I guess I feel is my wheelhouse right now: doing my exercises and learning choreography.

I am probably not explaining myself very well. In the end, the comment hit a nerve because I feel like I have been waiting for an opportunity to do exactly what he commented on — finding a time to incorporate the exercises into my routines. And I can’t explain why I feel like I am waiting except to say that I generally feel like everything I am doing right now is an exercise.

THAT is what I have been trying to figure out. Quite honestly, sometimes the reason I write here is to help me figure out what I am thinking.

I haven’t incorporated my exercises into my dancing because I feel like everything I am doing right now is a series of individual exercises. Even the choreography. There hasn’t been any time to stop doing exercises and just dance and see how it all comes together.

That’s what’s missing, and that’s why it hit a nerve.

The other comment about needing to move more, I do understand where he is coming from. It’s a constant battle for me to let go of the control because we spent years working to have me develop it. I feel constantly paranoid that if I let myself move, then it’s going to be too much. I don’t think I understand the difference between what I used to do that we had to correct so much and what he is asking me to do now.

I think he wants me to move more while maintaining the control, but I just don’t really know how and still can’t tell the difference between the right moving more and the uncontrolled moving more.

I wonder if maybe we need to do some run-throughs and take videos to just take a moment to evaluate and see where I am at. For ME to see where I am at and what Boss is talking about. Maybe even my practice needs to be recorded. I just don’t know.

When I practice my latin routines, I feel like I am moving a lot. In fact, I don’t do them to the music so I can make sure I allow myself to move.

There is a definite disconnect there. Most likely I am trying too hard. I also know there is a lot of tension and focus when I am working on my own, and it is rare I let myself relax into what I am doing. Perhaps that is all part of it too.

The hall has been crowded for practices lately as well, making it hard to even dance on my own full out without having to dodge other couples.

I am hopeful that tomorrow morning things will be a bit quieter and I can get through my routines.

Comments are comments. Its funny sometimes how something relatively small can have a big impact. I think the comments from yesterday’s lesson also highlighted my feeling like I am failing and slacking off on dance because I have no timelines to meet. I just feel like I am not doing enough right now, but that could be just the inconsistency due to the traveling. That feeling is going to make any comment that implies I am not doing something play right into my worst fears right now.

I may have to write some more about those in my next post.

For now, I am just going to continue doing exercises.