Bitter smooth

I don’t know why I still feel upset about stopping smooth, but I do.

Perhaps it is just that I have watched others compete in it recently (in case you are in a dance bubble, Blackpool is on, absolutely fabulous to watch and had Pro/am events in 4 styles and pro American style events for the first time), and that is just highlighting the loss to me.

I am not even really sure why I feel bitter about it, except to know that I do and it is obviously still a very raw wound.

I am not even sure who to talk to about it as the decision was made by Boss not to compete in it anymore and he said he won’t discuss that decision.

I guess in some way, I am bitter because I invested a lot of time and resources into it and now I feel all of that is wasted. There is a beautiful smooth dress in my closet I doubt I will ever wear again, I invested in having the routines choreographed, coaching lessons, shoes and considerable lesson time to get the routines competition ready.

Perhaps it is only that I am stuck somewhere between denial and anger in the stages of grief as I don’t really have an outlet to deal with it. Other dancers still ask me if I am doing it and that is a hard reminder. I keep getting hit harder than I should be when something reminds me.

I think one of the things most significant about smooth was that because we only did open and it wasn’t part of my international program, I felt really free doing it. I could relax and let go in ways I haven’t let discovered how to do in Standard and Latin. And it suited me well. Without realizing it,  it became an interesting outlet and bridge for me that helped make the crazy pro/am dance world make sense.

I Don’t want to dwell on it, and it is usually not my style, so it irks me I still get upset about it. I feel pretty powerless about it and that in some ways one aspect of dance I really enjoyed has now been ruined for me. I can’t seem to watch it without being filled with negative emotions.

II want to move on, but for whatever reason, I can’t.

At least not yet.

Advertisements

Missing Smooth

I was hit by something unexpected tonight.

When I got home from work, I turned on the live stream of the Emerald Ball to see where things were at. It was smooth heats, and in the first one was a couple I had competed against at VCC.

It’s hard to explain how I felt. I kept watching though probably I shouldn’t have, and it was more smooth multi-dances. I kept picturing how my routines would have fit on the floor, if I was able to compete in smooth anymore.

It affected me more than I realized, and stuck in my mind well past after I stopped watching.

I went to practice tonight, but things didn’t go well at all. I was working on my rumba which went fine, then waltz and little bit of samba, when suddenly I got hit with wave after wave of nausea that kept getting more intense. I could feel it building to a panic attack (also made no sense), so I decided to leave. I had dry heaves by my car (so grateful not to throw up in public!), but was hit with the attack by the time I got home.

My mind was racing with too many things, but I got to my medication and that helped calm me down. I was also able to take prescription medications for the nausea.

This was similar, yet different from Monday, but equally frustrating. Once again I am having to give into sickness.

I think watching just overwhelmed me more than I realized –it was smooth, a competition I really want to do, and it highlighted that besides missing smooth, I am missing competing in general. I don’t know when I will be able to do it again. October is the plan now, but it seems years away and whenever we set a goal that far away…it never materializes.

I think I have already just written off the idea of competing–I mean really competing outside of BC–as impossible.

It was a lot to come crashing into my mind tonight, I think. Just too much reality I am not yet ready to face. I feel like I have lost so much in the past two months and can barely hang on to what I have left.

But at least I have somethings.

The silver test is scheduled and paid for to take place next month. I hope nothing happens between now and then (and I can remember closed silver!).

Something small to hang onto while I miss others.

Perhaps I won’t be watching the rest of the emerald ball.

The Return and End of Smooth

Stopping dance proved to be disastrous for my health.

The day after I decided to stop, I had a complete breakdown and ended up at the ER.  I didn’t think it was possible to get worse than I was, but believe me, it was much much worse.  With everything else, the medication I was on gave me violent mood swings as levels of brain chemicals went up and down until a stable level was achieved.

It was the longest and most difficult 3 weeks of my life.  I really thought I might die, and to be honest, I wished the cancer had killed me.  It was a very very dark time.  On top of everything else, stopping dance actually made the grief I am going through over losing my fertility even more poignant, because I felt as though I had absolutely nothing left to hold on to. I had created a giant hole in my life that I could no longer fill and the little bit of joy and meaning I had in my life disappeared.

But somehow I got through it.  It took a lot of talk with mental health experts, time for medication to kick in and dose adjustments, and a complete reevaluation of my life and dance.

On top of the medical staff, I also (with their encouragement) talked with other dancers in the community (pro/am and amateur), non-dancers and Boss.  I took more than a week to go through and write out all of my thoughts on dance–what was important to me, what I wanted to do with dance, what I felt was missing, what needed to change, and where dance fit into my life–or where I wanted it to fit.  I wrote because that was the best way to express myself and let it all out.  It took me a week and was more than 10 pages, but it helped me find a place for dance in my life–even pro/am.

It took a while, because my energy levels have been quite non-existent and it took some lessons of just talking things through with Boss before I was ready to come back, and we were able to agree on changes that worked for both of us, and hopefully will help to address the issues I was struggling with.

There will be two significant changes to the structure of my lessons.  First, one lesson a week will be devoted to working on showcase/performance routines.  This is to give me an opportunity to be creative and collaborative in dance, something I was missing a lot.  Second, half a lesson every other week will be spent on ‘dance appreciation’.  Time to discuss dance, look at videos of different levels and styles, and develop my ability to think critically about dance and recognize various aspects of it.

My practice is changing as well.  I will still do some drilling, but it will not be the sole focus on my practice, it will be about 2/3rd of it.  The rest of the time will be spent on working through steps and routines as I want to.  The goal of that is to mix time spent drilling, which is more meditative, repetitive, and not requiring a lot of thought, with other aspects of dance that require me to ‘figure out’ and think through what I am working on.

I am also scaling back everything I am doing.  I will be focusing only on international style, and full gold routines for competing.  I will not be competing in smooth anymore.  Boss had wanted to turn the smooth routines into showcase routines, but to me it would be rubbing salt in the wound to work on the routines, but not be able to compete them.

And so ends smooth for me.

It is yet another casualty to cancer.  In all honesty, it hurts a lot, but at the same time I am grateful to still have some way to dance.  My relationships have also taken a huge loss and been damaged through the difficulties of the last month and I do fear they may never really mend.

I saw the surgeon and my hysterectomy will be likely end June/early July.  It will be 4-6 weeks of recovery off of dance and work.  It will be another slow and careful recovery.  The small silver lining is that with a little luck (and I am definitely due!) it will alleviate many of the symptoms from the hormone therapy as I will no longer need ovarian suppression and my hormone levels should fluctuate less allowing my mental health to stabilize.

In the meantime, I wait for a solid date for my surgery and attempt to hold my life together as best I can until then.  Every day is still a struggle, but the past week has seen me become a bit stronger and able to return to strength training.  This week allowed me to return to dance.

I am scared that everything will fall apart again before all of this is finished.  It’s taking a lot to control the depression and anxiety, and I am still in constant pain.  The hot flashes are happening in cycles indicating my ovaries are not as suppressed as they should be.  I have to have another shot in May, but the surgeon told me her goal is for it to be the last one. I truly hope so.

I am taking things one day at a time and trying to live my life as best I can.  I am so far able to work and keep up with it.  Strength training makes me feel better, not drained or exhausted and I am seeing genuine improvement in strength for the first time in almost a year.  In the middle of everything, I managed to finish the first 3 courses of my Masters, and am now working on my 4th.  So far, my lessons have been positive and also leave me feeling better than when I arrived.

I have slowly returned to myself and hope to maintain it.  I have lost much in the last month and I continue to grieve for my fertility–something I expect will continue until after the surgery when it is truly gone.  Things are rocky, difficult, but manageable.

At least for now.

I am back.

Competing Criteria

You would think that choosing a competition to go to would be a pretty straight-forward thing.

Apparently not.

Now that I have my masters residency behind me, I am looking to decide on competitions to give me something concrete to focus on.  What I have discovered is that because my focus for competing (when I was sick it was more about just getting on the floor) has shifted, deciding on a competition is not as simple as it was before.  A big part of that problem is that while I know my focus in competing has shifted, I am not quite sure what it has shifted to.

As a pro/am student, when choosing competitions it is easy to focus on the bottom line–what can I afford, what is the best value for my money and when can I afford it.  I feel like that is a big part of what has been driving my decisions for competitions.

But the question I would like to be asking first is: What is the best value for my dancing?

And that is harder to nail down.  Right now, I am doing a lot of shifting and rebuilding.  I am changing levels and that means learning new routines.  I want to focus more on closed events, but at the same time I don’t want to disregard the open events so we are also looking to work with a choreographer to develop open routines.  I am trying to rebuild the strength and fitness I lost while sick, while at the same time (hopefully) also improving my technique and overall dancing.

When looking at where to compete right now, the biggest issue is that Boss and I haven’t really set any competition goals.  We seem to be going about it backwards.  We are looking at competitions, and then setting goals for them.  I think I would rather look at what I want to achieve from a competition and then see what competition will fit that goal–and still be affordable.

One of the biggest issues with this right now is that we are heading into summer when competition are few and far between.  On top of this, competing in the US is pretty much off the table with the increasing prices there and the exchange rate.  Not to mention the political climate and travel unpredictability.

While I may be ready to put routines on the floor this summer, there really isn’t a competitive opportunity to do that.  That will mean shifting the focus a bit and looking either longer term, or shorter term.  Do I try to do a comp at the end of June, or do I wait and do two in the fall?  If I do one in June, my routines aren’t likely to be very polished and it would be basically trialing them at the competition.  How much do I want to spend on doing that?  Do I want to use most of my competing budget to attend a competition (which would be great), with routines that aren’t well polished and not likely to be competitive?  Or would it be better to find a more local competition with smaller events to get those routines on the floor before going out against the ‘big dogs’.

Part of this is that as much as I like to support the local competitions, I inevitably end up competing against the same people, getting the same results, being seen by the same judges.  The pro/am portion of these competitions is always small without much variety.  The same 3 teachers bring out the same 2-3 students in multiple events.  I have become quite disenchanted with that.  I really want to branch out and get on the floor in a new area against new people I don’t usually compete against.

But again, it brings me back to the question–when dance-wise is the best time to do this so that the opportunity is not wasted due to lack of preparation time?  It’s one thing to feel ‘ready’.  It’s another to not have routines or be able to complete a full round on the floor.

Whatever I decide, the one thing I need to be sure of is that it is a decision I can accept.  If not, I will only resent it and that is not good for me or my dancing.  It’s a lot to think on, but the only rush is my desire to have a firm goal to focus on.

Competing, especially pro/am is an investment and as such takes a lot of thought and consideration.  But it is important to remember that it is not just an investment of money–it is also an investment of time, practice, discipline, motivation and personal well-being.

The trick is to figure out what meets the value for all those criteria.

Bringing the attitude

Or at least trying to.

It’s a new adjustment to one of my exercises for styling in latin (and by extension, smooth).  As I mentioned, I sent some videos of my open smooth from the last competition to the coach who designed the routines and one of the feedback she had was that she loved the drama and acting I was able to do in my routine, but that I needed to work on my arms so they are less ‘floppy’.  Basically, I have two types of styling right now, intentional and accidental.  When I intentionally commit to something, it really shows as it comes out with confidence and moves through my entire body.  Then I have stuff that I do that I just do–often without conscious thought–and that tends to look that way.

So the goal now is to work on making everything more intentional.  A big part of that is adding some attitude to my styling through expression and glance.  So that is the change to my exercise.  I am doing my regular arm exercise, but I am moving them with intention and flair and adding a very strong glance in the direction I am moving my arms.

Seems easy enough, doesn’t it?

Not quite. It feels quite awkward and unnatural.  Because it’s an exercise, I am doing it much more than I normally would in any routine so that also adds to the awkwardness.  Oddly enough, my right arm seems to want to move great, but when I move my left it almost moves backward to what I intend to do.  And now because I am actually glancing I am also looking in the mirror and it is hard not to giggle about how silly it looks sometimes.  It’s going to be a challenge to get into the zone for that, but if it’s not challenging, why bother doing it?

The rest of my exercises seem to be going ok (in fact according to Boss, better than he expected), and I hope that as I do my residency for my masters over the next two weeks I will be able to still get in fairly regular practice time between class time and group work time.  The residency is two weeks and right now just seems like a giant ‘hump’ I need to get over.  I have slowly been preparing though and today I completely cleaned my apartment, did the grocery shopping, laundry and prepared all my meals for the next week. Pretty much what is left is to pack my book bag.

Lots of changes going on in my life right now, but hopefully I can continue to attack them all with the right attitude.

Topsy-Turvy Day

My day got a little upsidedown today.

I am on vacation from work until Wednesday and because it is a provincial holiday the hall where Boss usually teaches was closed.  This meant that I had dance in the morning and did my strength workout in the evening.

In general it’s been a good day.  I am making myself take a break from school as well as work as all my pre-residency papers are done and I only have a couple of readings to do before Monday.  That is helping me relax some.

Thank you to those who read my post yesterday. A few people reached out in various ways and it was great to hear from you! A wiseman added a further perspective to the situation here–the social dancers tend to find me intimidating because I do technique (remember, this is a social dance community where everyone learns step sequences, but not much technique), and the competitor dancers see me as someone who has only been dancing for 2 years–most of it while sick–because that is when they started seeing me in the community.  Very few of them understand that I was dancing 4 years before they met me and I got sick. It’s bit of an ‘island mentality’ here to treat people as though they sprung into the society with no background and started life only when they arrived–especially if they are under 50.  I have encountered this in pockets all over the community–not just with dancers.

That aside, today was a good day–both for dancing and strength training.

For dance, we did a quick review of some of my exercises based on the feedback I gave Boss last week, then focused into standard.  We received a couple amazing reviews of the videos of our smooth routines from the pro who choreographed them and the interesting thing about smooth is that pointers from it also tend to apply to standard and latin.  One of the points she made was about my position and pointed out that I have a habit of ‘breaking’ my neck line.  This has me thinking about that and working to differentiate between when my head is ‘back’ and when it is ‘back and up’.

We also did some work on standard position and started taking some of the static things we have been doing and trying them in basic steps.  It’s going to take a lot of work, but doing so already has my mind thinking and processing and that is a good sign.

For strength training, I started the new program and I am a little relieved that it takes exactly 1 hour (there was concern from my trainer it would be too long).  I started with the cardio sequence Boss designed and that worked out really well.  It certainly got my heartrate up (my fitbit recorded a high of 170) and I like moving through the different exercises–some of which I haven’t done in a while.  It even incorporates 3-step turns (which when done over 2 minutes is a lot of turning!).

The strength training also brings back some exercises I haven’t done in a while (like pushups), but also adds some new ones.  It’s an interesting combination.

One thing that is making me a little nervous is that Friday morning bright and far too early, I have to go do a practice run of the PT test so that physio and the rehab specialist can see what it is I need to prepare for it.  I haven’t done it since before I was sick and I weigh 20lbs more than I did then and I have lost a lot of strength.  Physio told me to go in with no expectations and just see how it goes, so that is what I am going to try to do.  I just hope I don’t flare up my back or knees too much.

Well, that is a good summary of my day.  I am still giving a lot of thought to dance, but I think that for now while I am still recovering and doing school I am just going to keep doing my own thing.

Really, that’s all that I can do.

Reflection, evaluation and planning

Every competition provides feedback that is useful for the future.

This week, while not doing any private lessons, I was able to schedule a time to sit down with Boss and go over the points from the competition and discuss where my dance journey will take me next.

We didn’t get to everything in the time we had, but covered a lot of the general points, specifics we will get into more soon.  It is a discussion, but it starts with me providing some general thoughts of my own, him providing his own thoughts and then follow-up questions and answers that lead to a plan.

Sometimes this conversation goes well, other times, not so well.  As many of my fellow pro/am bloggers have mentioned, it is normal to experience a post-comp ‘crash’, especially after such a good ‘high’.

I am lucky in that my crash this time was fairly minor, but that is likely due to the circumstances surrounding this comp for me.  Before going into the comp, because of the recent changes in my health, I knew that after there is going to be a big change to how I work and I was already looking forward to it.  I also knew that both Boss and I were already on the same page, which is always helpful when planning goals.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have some control over what I can do in dance (at least as a student).  While the planning and teaching is up to Boss, I finally feel I have recovered enough that combined with my desire to work hard (which I have always had), I am finally at a point where I am capable of working at the level I want to–health-wise.  That is a huge step forward for me and a profound sense of relief.  My motivation is back and I am determined to keep moving forward.

Some general things we talked about included the strengths and weaknesses of my dancing at the comp–mainly stamina in holding my frame and position in standard (which was better than previous, but still had a big impact), my dresses (which he really liked!), my footwork and few other things which will need to be worked on.  The biggest strength and achievement for this comp was the improvement in my overall dancing and health.

One of the things that Boss mentioned was that I need to adjust my level of satisfaction in my own dancing going forward to bring my expectations from myself higher.  I completely agree with this, although this is where he and I differ a little.  Boss has historically told me not to worry too much about my technique, etc. because it was ‘very good for my level’. I have never accepted that, because my goal has never been to be ‘good for my level’, it has been to be ‘good’ in general.  It seems that now we are coming together on this thinking, and I was glad to hear him say that.

Going forward, the goal is to do 3 lessons a week, 3 self-practices a week, and 1 latin technique group class (which I started last week), at least as far as school and work allow. We are still working out some scheduling, etc. but that is the basic plan.  He told me to expect to spend a lot of time in lessons repeating things over and over as we start to focus down on technique (which I cannot wait for).  I am not planning to compete for quite some time and I am actually already enjoying having the time to really focus on techniques.

We are going to start working on closed gold routines, the intent being for me to do my silver test sometime early summer, when the adjudicator is available.  We are also going to put open routines aside for now, and eventually we will start fresh with new routines not based on my syllabus routines.  There is more with that, but something to discuss in the future.

Before we even get to routines, I am just going to focus on technique. I can’t emphasize enough how I am looking forward to that.  That is the part of dance that I really enjoy–the ‘nitty-gritty’.

Smooth will continue and I hope to do some coaching in the near future to help strengthen it.  I really enjoy that style and it really enjoys me too.  It suits me more than standard, but until there is a 9-dance latin/smooth combo event, standard will continue to be my challenge.

Medically, I also had a bit of an update this week.  I saw the oncologist for my 6-month check-up and we discussed the various options for hormone therapy.  He is really happy with the effects of the ovarian suppression and hopes to transition me to 3-month injections.  In addition to this, he wants to add an aromatase inhibitor, which will bring my estrogen levels down to almost 0.  Unfortunately, the main side-effect of this medication is bone and joint pain.  When I heard this, my first reaction was ‘really? Can’t I have a break!!’ Unfortunately not, as I am slated to start this new medication after my next injection week after next. I am truthfully quite reluctant about this and I may on my own delay another month.  I am not quite convinced I have ‘leveled-out’ from the injections and I am not quite ready to add another element to the mix.  I am still having some definite hormone fluctuations, which make me nervous.  My family doc is testing my hormone levels though, so that should help.

I am eager to get down to work next week.  I will warn you in advance that February will be a ‘light’ month for me for dance due to school residency.

I am feeling optimistic for the future for the first time in a long time!

Competitive Success

I am sorry for being away so long.

The competition was a huge personal success–which is always the best type.

I will do a review of the competition itself from a pro/am perspective in my next post, but first I wanted to talk more generally about it.

I started on Friday daytime with standard, and was uncontested in everything except my multi-dance.  It was a great run through my Waltz, tango and foxtrot routines and Boss was very happy with my dancing.  Following that, we switched to smooth and had the first run-through of 3 of the 4 smooth routines on the competitive floor.  I caught my heel on my dress during the waltz so bad I had to stop to unhook it, but other than that, the routines went really well and those in the audience loved them.  Boss and I had so much fun we were both quite ecstatic. I don’t think the routines could have gone better.

Friday night was Latin time and again, more fun. The crowd was great and all my routines went really well.  The only ‘sour’ note was during the open paso 1-dance.  The music that was played did not follow the usual paso phrasing, had no highlights and was cut short.  The result was that the choreography didn’t fit with the music and we had to try to keep adjusting.  Complaints were made by multiple dancers and it was fixed for the 5-dance scholarship.  That was the highlight of the evening–I got second of 3 in the open scholarship, but on a personal note, I was able to dance through all 5 routines, including jive with full energy.  While there were little mistakes here and there, I truly felt great about how I was dancing and ended the evening on a high note knowing that I had danced at that competition better than I had since before my diagnosis.  I was truly ‘back’.

Saturday morning began bright and early with more latin that also went equally well.  I still placed at the bottom, but it was very close in a lot of dances, especially rumba.

After a good break, and some coffee, it was back to the hall Saturday night for the standard and smooth scholarships.  The evening started out difficult with the one dance events, and I honestly had to give myself a little bit of a ‘time-out’ because I was finding myself unreasonably anxious.  It was likely due to fatigue, but the good news is that I was able to pull myself together for both the 3-dance and 5-dance scholarships.  Again on a personal note, I was able to dance through the entire 5-dance and only ‘faded’ in the VW. Despite that, I was able to take some points from the 3rd place competitor, which I did not expect in the open event.  I was able to fully rally after the VW and did a great foxtrot and powered through the QS.  It was a real personal achievement for me after so many months of struggling to get through a waltz and tango.

After the standard was a quick change for the smooth and that was about fun, more than anything.  The surprise for that was that I won the single dances, and got second in the 3-dance scholarship, coming very close to first!  I really did not expect that, but was over the moon happy with how the routines went–for the first time competing in open smooth and those routines, I could not have asked for anything better.

I truly could not be happier with how this competition went.  I was very proud of myself before we left for being able to overcome my medical challenges and do the solid preparation that was needed, but I am doubly proud of how I was able to dance–it wasn’t about just ‘getting through’ all the events–it was being able to dance.

The competition did exactly what I hoped it would do.  It gave me a strong indication of where I am and what the next steps should be.  It also let me know that I am at a point where I can really start to ‘dig in’ and get back to focusing on improving my technique and training at the level I want to.  I will meet with Boss this week to discuss the future, focus, goals and the plan moving forward.  I am looking forward to it.

On a different note, I got the text and paper done for my first course of my masters and working my way through the second.  It will keep me busy over the next couple weeks so I am sorry in advance if I don’t post too much.  I hope to get a couple more in this week, but no promises.

I hope you all had a weekend as great as mine!

As ready as ready can be

Last lessons before the competition are done!

Today was about putting together last minute pieces to the smooth VW and ironing out a few ‘odd spots’ that creeped up in some of the routines as we were running them today.

I feel very good about where I am right now.  Will the routines go perfect and be as strong as possible? No, I don’t expect that, but I do know that the routines will go as well as they can and I will be dancing them instead of just trying to ‘get through’ them.

I realized earlier this week that I am actually quite proud of myself for making the health decisions I did last month that ultimately led to me getting back to being ‘myself’.  Because of that, for the last month I have been able to train better and harder than I have been able to in over 2 years, and the difference is incredible.

On top of that, I am right ‘on target’ with my studying for the week, and aside from a break to get the mandatory mani/pedi for the comp, I should be able to finish up all the work for this week before we leave, leaving me able to relax some and perhaps even get a ‘jump’ on next week’s work over the weekend.

I have one of my dresses back and ready to go, and the other 2 should be ready by noon tomorrow.   I know my dressmaker has been working constantly to get all the stoning done and what I saw of the dresses tonight look absolutely fabulous.  I can’t wait to wear them and sparkle all over the floor.

I got the instructions/demonstration for doing my hair today and it kept itself up all day through 2 intense lessons, acupuncture and a lot of sweat.  That’s promising 🙂

I hope everything goes as expected tomorrow, and plan to just enjoy the experience competing this weekend.

After all, I have already won–I am able to dance again!

Smoothing Viennese Waltz

Lucky you, you get to be my study break for tonight!

Actually, compared to the weekend, today has been a bit light on studying as I am taking time to do some of the assignments and allow my brain to process the reading I have been doing.

I also had two lessons today (yay vacation!), both of which went a long way to helping me feel a little more calm about the competition this weekend.  The main thing we worked on was the smooth Viennese Waltz, which is probably the weakest routine right now.  We had an opportunity to work in my gym so we were able to look at the alignment of the routines and figure out where it needed to start and where to travel to.

The other aspect of the routine we were working on was making some small ‘tweaks’ to help it flow a little more smoothly.  We made one major change to one of the routine in one of the long lines, but the other changes have been small.  We still have a little more to work out, but we will have another lesson in the gym on Tuesday and it is wider than the studio for working out routines.

My second lesson was about solidifying the changes in VW, as well as going over some of the small issues encountered during yesterday’s practice in cha cha, samba, and paso.  At the end of the lesson, Boss wanted to go through a section of the rumba for himself and to try a styling change in the sliding doors.  One thing we did discover yesterday was that our rumba routine is a bit long now, which makes me sad as my favourite part is the circulating hip twists near the end–which we will likely not be able to do as comps have a habit of cutting pro/am heats short.

I am finding myself feeling a bit nervous and anxious today, but I am pretty sure it is only side effects of the injection last week.  I have been having more frequent hot flashes and it would not surprise me if I had a bit of a ‘hormone surge’ over the next couple days.  It already seems to be calming down though so that is positive.

I have basically ‘mapped’ out the rest of my week to organize and balance school with the competition preps and get all my readings and assignments done. I feel good about where I am and if all goes well I should be able to relax at the comp and just enjoy it without worrying about other things needing to get done.

Another thing of significance today is that it is my birthday.  Another year older and another year surviving cancer!

Wish me luck in getting all my tasks done!