Bad weeks happen, right?
I am actually very worried and scared that I am becoming depressed again, after only 3 weeks off the anti-depressants.
This seems to have come out of no where. Tuesday, I was absolutely fine. In fact, I was told by one of my doctors that my recovery was ‘above average’ and that he was extremely happy with my progress and only saw things getting better.
Then Wednesday afternoon I experienced an overwhelming sense of intense nausea just after eating. It passed after 10 minutes and I felt fine the rest of the day…until my lesson.
We were working on standard drills in my lesson and about 10 minutes into it I started to feel nauseous again and it built to the point where I had to stop and sit down for about 10 minutes. I was very close to being sick, but it lessened (although it didn’t completely go away) and I continued back in the lesson, although I was fighting it the rest of the time. By the time I got home, I felt like all my energy had been drained and came close to being sick again. I fought my way through a shower and went straight to bed. My working theory is that I may have actually had a bit of food poisoning, because the next morning my stomach felt better again.
Needless to say, I was quite disappointed with the lack of productivity in my lesson and that I couldn’t stay to practice as I planned.
Thursday, for the most part, I felt better, but I could still tell something was off. It wasn’t anything physical though, my mood just seemed to be jumping up and down. By the afternoon, I was finding myself getting upset and overwhelmed by things that weren’t really a big deal, and the level of emotional reaction I was having didn’t make a lot of sense.
Since I was feeling ok physically, I went to the studio early to get some practice in before my lesson that night. I couldn’t seem to focus on anything I was trying to do, felt scattered and disorganized and that just led to frustration. I stopped after 30 minutes because I was so upset with everything (not just dance). I actually felt my mood plummet.
Despite that, my lesson went pretty well. We were running through the latin routines and in between rounds working out some of the details that weren’t quite coming together. We were able to go through all 5 routines in a row without my stamina completely failing or major disasters. We also did all of them at full speed, except paso. By the end of the lesson I actually felt much better, energized and motivated again.
Later on that night, I learned something that concerned me, and I could feel myself get upset about it, but at the same time, I also felt myself not even try to express my concerns. I just felt defeated without trying and that is unusual for me. Usually, even if I know something that concerns me isn’t going to change, I at least make a point of airing my concerns.
That defeated attitude seems to have persisted. I felt better when I woke up this morning, and fairly positive when I finished work as it had been a very productive week work-wise.
I decided to head to the studio early to take advantage of some practice time without a busy floor to work on standard, but shortly after I got there things started going downhill again.
Everything I was doing felt unfocused and scattered and all I really did was frustrate myself. I wanted to review the routines as I knew in my lesson we would be running them, but I kept running into things I couldn’t figure out. I just couldn’t seem to pull anything together.
My lesson, unfortunately, wasn’t much better. I had a break of more than an hour to clear my head, but pretty much from the beginning of my lesson things went downhill.
As I mentioned, I knew we would be running rounds of the standard routines (and only 4 of the 5 dances), and working on details between rounds. From the very start of the lesson I felt like jelly and defeated.
It’s a weird feeling to explain. Consciously, I wanted to push and work through the routines. Subconsciously, or at least as far as my body would respond, there was nothing there. No drive, no energy, no frame, no real dancing. I was walking through the steps.
I could actually feel the block but I couldn’t find a way to get past it. The minute I knew that we would be doing rounds without stopping, I could feel myself start to get small and cautious, and working to conserve energy. It was like somehow I had already decided that I no matter what I wouldn’t have the stamina, so I had better do less to make it through.
That seems to be an attitude to standard I can’t seem to get past. I can’t seem to make my body work as hard as I want it to, or at least in the way I used to. It’s like part of me is refusing to risk running out of energy, losing balance, making a mistake, and therefore it won’t respond with the effort I want to put into it.
Words cannot express how disappointed I am in myself because of this block.
I could also see, hear, and feel Boss’s frustration because I just couldn’t seem to respond to anything, and that just made things worse.
It’s a complete turn-around from how I felt and was able to dance two or even 1 week ago.
I feel completely overwhelmed and defeated by standard right now. It’s like I have all the tools to do it right, but all I can do is stand over them without being able to figure out how to pick them all up and use them.
I don’t feel this way in latin (at least not anywhere near this extent or noticeable–although there may be a small element somewhere).
This week, I suddenly feel weak and tired. It could be an accumulation of the work and return to activity from the last 3 weeks, but it doesn’t feel like that. I’ve kept things to a minimum and even did much less this week and last than I did the week before, or the first week I returned to dance.
I don’t like feeling this way, and I especially don’t like how quickly this seems to have manifested. One of the things I could say is that despite everything I have been through, I have never felt defeated.
But I am feeling defeated now, and I am scared it’s not going to go away. The idea of having to return to the anti-depressants is also overwhelming because it seems like a step back–something left over from Cancer that means it will never be over and I will never be able to move forward.
I think that is what scares me the most. At the beginning of the week, I was sure the worst was behind me and I was finally at a place where I could finally completely get my life back on track and moving forward.
Now it seems like I am only taking steps back.
And somehow that feels like failure.
I see my doctor on Monday, and I know, especially if things don’t improve over the weekend, that these feelings of depression will be on the table. Again. Especially if I continue to feel almost non-functional, as I did tonight. I am just not looking forward to that discussion.
Part of me really wants to hope that this is just my body adjusting to the new activity levels and I am just tired which is depressing my system. But considering all I have been through and my previous experiences, the realist in me really doesn’t believe that’s the case.
I guess the weekend will tell if this is a real problem, or just a bad week.