Using my full power scares me.
I just don’t feel like I can control it and if I can’t control it it seems like a likely disaster.
There are times when I move and I really feel like I am on the edge of my control. I know I could do more or move more, but I don’t know how to do it without hurting myself.
It’s holding me back and I don’t really know how to get past it to move forward. I also don’t understand when I became so cautious and timid about my own dancing.
At the same time, it is also frustrating me because I feel like I am plateauing, especially in the work I am doing on my routines in latin. I really feel it in jive. I have finally gotten the footwork down on the part of the routine I have been working on, but it feels so slow and heavy and cumbersome.
It really feels like I will never be able to fully get that routine down and up to speed. Even when I try to lighten up the steps, it still feels like I am missing some major pieces of the puzzle.
It’s an odd crisis of confidence to face right now after coming so far. I am not really sure how I can get that confidence back, besides the obvious just giving my all and going for it. It’s unusual for me to feel that way, so it leaves me racking my brain a little to deal with it.
Perhaps it is only that I am sitting on the cusp of a bit of a breakthrough and I can feel that. Moving forward is possible, but it is going to need a a big push to get me moving down the other side.
It’s also similar in standard. I have gotten comfortable with doing my routines slow and steady, even Quickstep. The thought of trying any of them at full speed or with the music just seems a little impossible right now.
Perhaps it is just too soon to worry about. I know in Quickstep I am really worried about trying it together with Boss. I don’t want to trip him or risk hurting him.
We did go over the standard routines tonight and they didn’t go too bad. I was able to clarify some of the sections I wasn’t too sure about. We finished the lesson with the new waltz conditioning, and Boss did it a couple times with me, so I could get an idea of the difference between doing it on my own and with him.
That sequence does make me feel out of control at times. Especially as I tire near the end. It seems to be coming though, but there is lots to work on.
I am finding myself pretty exhausted this week. It’s been a while, more than 5 weeks, but I got hit with the frequent intense hot flashes this week and it is sapping my energy some. I was sweating so much this morning I was worried I would drip on my students as I was coaching them. Yuck.
I stayed for practice after my lesson tonight, but I could really feel myself run out of steam. I didn’t even try to run my routines with the music, as I felt like I could barely stand at that point, but I did review the footwork. The important thing is that I got it done.
One more long day at work followed immediately by dance. Friday should be shorter, although I have a formal dinner that night. Saturday will be school and relaxing before I cross the country on Sunday.
I hope the hot flashes settle by then, I’ll need my energy next week.
I have to give more thought to what I am feeling about using my power. I am sure once we start digging into the technique more on my routines a lot of things will just come.