I am miserable.
That’s the only way I can think to describe how I feel right now.
I made a decision, but I haven’t figured out yet how to live with it. It’s a compromise and truly the best decision for Me, but that doesn’t mean I like it.
I am very angry. I am grieving. I am depressed. I feel betrayed by the universe and like I am being punished. I want to find a way out of this black hole and figure out a way to move forward.
But I am stuck.
The information for the next comp I was aiming for came out today…and it feels like a punch in the gut. Like the universe is laughing at me.
I don’t even know where to direct all this emotion, except at myself. There is no where else to send it. Things are what they are and I have no power to change them.
I want to be happy with my decision, but I am not there yet. I am afraid I may never get there.
I am supposed to have a lesson tomorrow, but I am afraid to go. I am afraid I won’t be able to be as strong as I need to be to get through the lesson without breaking down and everything I am holding back and trying to keep to myself coming pouring out.
I don’t know that I have the strength to continue dancing without competing.
Because that is what I had to choose.
I can’t relocate, and commuting would quickly leave me bitter and frustrated. I know myself well enough to know that.
Dancing on a regular and consistent basis spread out through the week is so important to almost all of my health and fitness goals. Trying to cram lessons into alternating weekends plus commute costs would break me mentally and physically, and make it almost impossible to afford to compete.
So that leaves continuing to work with Boss, without competing and trying to convince myself to be ok with that.
I am not. Yet. I haven’t figured out how to make it work or where to focus.
I feel like a large part of me has been ripped away and all I can do is watch it fester and rot. I don’t know how to heal it. Yet.
I feel manipulated, even though i know I wasn’t. Somehow it seems like everyone else has gotten what they wanted and I am left still trying to figure out where I fit.
My goal is to figure out a way to get back to competing without Boss or extreme commuting. Thats my impossible dream right now. I don’t even know where to begin.
My soul is aching like it’s been slapped and I am trying to tell it that everything will be ok.
I have felt like this before. I survived then, I will survive now.
Just have to figure out how.