Bitter smooth

I don’t know why I still feel upset about stopping smooth, but I do.

Perhaps it is just that I have watched others compete in it recently (in case you are in a dance bubble, Blackpool is on, absolutely fabulous to watch and had Pro/am events in 4 styles and pro American style events for the first time), and that is just highlighting the loss to me.

I am not even really sure why I feel bitter about it, except to know that I do and it is obviously still a very raw wound.

I am not even sure who to talk to about it as the decision was made by Boss not to compete in it anymore and he said he won’t discuss that decision.

I guess in some way, I am bitter because I invested a lot of time and resources into it and now I feel all of that is wasted. There is a beautiful smooth dress in my closet I doubt I will ever wear again, I invested in having the routines choreographed, coaching lessons, shoes and considerable lesson time to get the routines competition ready.

Perhaps it is only that I am stuck somewhere between denial and anger in the stages of grief as I don’t really have an outlet to deal with it. Other dancers still ask me if I am doing it and that is a hard reminder. I keep getting hit harder than I should be when something reminds me.

I think one of the things most significant about smooth was that because we only did open and it wasn’t part of my international program, I felt really free doing it. I could relax and let go in ways I haven’t let discovered how to do in Standard and Latin. And it suited me well. Without realizing it,  it became an interesting outlet and bridge for me that helped make the crazy pro/am dance world make sense.

I Don’t want to dwell on it, and it is usually not my style, so it irks me I still get upset about it. I feel pretty powerless about it and that in some ways one aspect of dance I really enjoyed has now been ruined for me. I can’t seem to watch it without being filled with negative emotions.

II want to move on, but for whatever reason, I can’t.

At least not yet.

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