My internal musings about pro/am and dance continue….
Well I guess not so internal since I am writing them here, but perhaps it’s a bit of therapy for me. I don’t think today’s post will be as long.
I mentioned that one of the main frustrations I am having about pro/am is money, but I think that if that was the only issue it be that big a deal and I would make it work.
The other issue is time and sharing. I want to be upfront by saying that I am not naive enough to think that these are only pro/am issues–I know they exist in all partnerships.
But since it is pro/am I have been giving a lot of thought to, that is what I am going to focus on 🙂
All money questions aside, no matter how much I am willing to pay, I cannot overcome the obstacle that I will probably always want to put more time into my dance than my instructor. That is another challenge of pro/am. While I only have to worry about my own dancing, he has to worry about the dancing of all his other students–of different ages, levels, styles and abilities. And that is on top of his own regular every day life outside of dance with his family and trying to run a business.
Especially right now, every practice, and workout I complete is a victory for me. There is no one to motivate me to do these things–I just do them because it’s what I want to do and it is necessary to reach my goals. I can struggle through all my trials and tribulations to get to a competition, but when I get there, if I don’t do well for some reason I know that it was not because I didn’t put 100% into preparing for it. If I do well it’s a victory. If I don’t, I can still hold my head high knowing that I did everything I could to prepare and I still had fun doing so.
No one really knows how much work and how difficult or easy the work I do in dance is, not even Boss. I can tell him I did this or that, but anything I do on my own is just words to him. His goals and my goals, while similar are different and sometimes that is frustrating.
I can spend a lot of time trying to master one particular thing, or even to feel that great sense of accomplishment at a competition to know that the work I have done is showing and that I have done well for my level. Knowing and being proud of myself as I reach each goal is part of what I look forward to–and why I work so hard–so I can look back and know how much time and work it took to get to that point.
But it’s weird and sometimes anti-climatic because even though I did a lot of the work myself, in the end the goal is accomplished as a partnership–and my partner really won’t share that sense of accomplishment with me.
I am not saying that Boss is not proud of me when I do well. I know very well that he feels very proud of what I accomplish (sometimes more than others) and is happy for me–but what he takes pride in is the result of his teaching (which is absolutely a big part of reaching my goal), which is different from taking pride and sharing that accomplishment with me. Why I might be proud of myself for doing well at the silver level, for Boss that is something he achieved years ago–with whomever was his partner at the time. I can’t see how doing well to dance through silver steps with silver technique would be a big deal for him–he’s been there before.
It’s an interesting frustration that has come out of all my ‘deep thinking’ about pro/am. What makes it interesting is that I haven’t really recognized before that the idea of partnership and teamwork had an appeal to me for dance. In hindsight, it does seem obvious–it is after all a partnered activity–but in general I am an independent person and I can’t think of any other activity I have done in my life (partnered, team activity or not) where it has been important to me that the goals I achieve are done in partnership or as a team. It’s like a discovery of a new side of me I didn’t know (or want to know or admit) was there.
Looking back at some of the things I have done and accomplished, especially while I was sick, I realize that this frustration about sharing has been there, I just haven’t really been able to figure out what was missing. I am not even sure I am making sense trying to explain it right now.
I guess it is a bit of a double-edged sword. I want and know that I can feel proud of what I accomplish in dance, but because I have to work with someone else and dance with someone else to accomplish it I feel like it’s less and there is something missing when I reach a personal goal because in the end it is both something ‘I’ accomplished, but not something ‘we’ accomplished–even though we danced together. ‘My’ goals are not ‘Our’ goals–and I seem to be finding that frustrating–in that since the goals must be achieved together, then reaching them together should also be a shared experience.
What’s frustrating is that when it comes to sharing those accomplishments, somehow it seems a little hollow and like taking credit on my own for something a team has done.
It seems I am finding myself curious about what it would feel like to know that those accomplishments are shared by two people truly achieving them together.
That’s a hard frustration to figure out.