First, I am thankfully feeling better today. Still have a headache and feel light-headed and dizzy and tired, but haven’t had to take gravol today. So far anyway–seems to be a step forward. Maybe there is hope yet 🙂
I have really been thinking about the cost of dance and pro/am lately. Since Boss is away on vacation, it’s given me time to consider a few things.
I can be a very passive person in general. I don’t like conflict and prefer to avoid it. Therefore, I don’t always stand up for myself when I should and sometimes I make excuses for others when they don’t follow through on the things they say. ‘they’re too busy’, ‘they have more important things’, ‘it’s not their fault’, ‘I should have reminded them’, ‘I am asking too much’, ‘I expect too much’.
But sometimes, with some people, I give them just too much leeway. I find myself constantly waiting for them to follow through on the things they say, even as they continually tell me they are putting it off. I hear ‘I will have time after blah’, or ‘I plan to do it when blah is finished’, or ‘I will have it to you by blah’. And yet ‘blah’ comes and goes and their is either a new excuse, or I just don’t hear anything until the promise is fulfilled. Sometimes I just get so frustrated that I do the task myself. But there are somethings I can’t do and I have to rely on others to fulfill the promises they make.
So what does this have to do with dance? Looking at the big picture, I have a lot of frustrations with dance right now. Part of them have to do with my health and the delays I am experiencing with that, and those are things I can accept and adjust to.
I have come to realize that the other part of the frustrations is that I am waiting for some promises to be fulfilled and I am running out of faith that they will ever get done. On top of that, the longer I wait and the more I see things put off, the less worthy I feel. It makes me feel like my things just don’t matter and that all I am worth is the money I am paying.
And perhaps that is the nature of pro/am in the end. Certainly I am not the only blogger who is waiting on the fulfillment of broken promises. It seems almost second nature to add at least a 2 week timeline to any promises that are made and then hope that nothing comes up in the meantime.
I am really trying to be patient, but I think I am reaching a point where I am wondering how patient is too patient? I think what bothers me most is that I know there are genuine good intentions behind the promises, but there is also a genuine lack of time to follow through on them.
I never expect to be a priority for anyone, and in pro/am, no one is a priority. But there does need to be some trust and faith and when I take a step back and look at the big picture I am finding that dwindling a lot for me. It’s hard to explain, but as much as I have faith in my own abilities, I also need to know that the work I am putting in will go somewhere and not be held up waiting for the pieces from others to move it forward. I look around and as much as I am waiting for my health to improve, I realize I am also waiting for a lot of other pieces too–pieces I have been promised for a while now. They are also pieces which, despite promises otherwise, I really feel I will still be waiting for at the end of the summer. Or that when they are given attention, it will only be partly–as that is the track record I am used to.
So, after a lot of reflection, I have decided that like HT I will give a little more time to see if the promised changes actually materialize. And I am reminding myself that if these changes and things I am waiting for don’t happen then I do have options I can use, and perhaps one of them will be finding a new hobby where I don’t feel quite so second-rate.
I promise a happier post next time 🙂