Feeling low

The past week has been incredibly difficult.

The menopause symptoms have come back full force despite taking the medication that is supposed to relieve them.  I have been having regular intense hot flashes, not sleeping well, headaches, nausea, muscle aches and intense mood swings.

I called the cancer agency to see if anything could be done and my oncologist prescribed yet another medication to add to the one I am already taking.  So now, I am taking two different medications to counteract the side effects caused by chemo to hopefully reduce the side effects of hormone therapy–which I won’t even start until 2 weeks after my surgery.

There is something about that which just doesn’t make sense to me.  And it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  I am hoping I will get a chance to talk to the oncologist on the phone to discuss some of my concerns instead of just a nurse.  The nurses are great, but I need to understand better what the oncologist is thinking.

I have been feeling so bad that I have cancelled my lessons and not even practiced since last Wednesday. I am supposed to have a lesson tomorrow but part of me is having a hard time convincing myself not to cancel it too.  With the surgery on Friday and looking at 6 weeks of no dance ahead I guess I am wondering what the point would be.

Boss told me he wants to the review the smooth tango that the coach put together for us and record it so we don’t forget it, go over some exercises and talk about things for when I come back.  It all makes sense, but I still just don’t know.

I am wondering if a big part of this is post-comp blues even though I didn’t really compete.  Working at the comp was a big high, so it is natural to expect a bit of a low after, especially with surgery coming up.

I think though, I am really reaching the extent of my strength reserves.  It’s been 18 months that I have been fighting cancer or dealing with the fallout from it.  I keep waiting and hoping for things in my life to resemble something like the did before–like work, regular dance, a social life–and as soon as I get close to getting there, something happens to keep me in the loop I am in–more and more recovery.  I am tired of working so hard to recover. Haven’t I done enough?

I don’t have a good feeling about this surgery Friday.  The doc is supposed to go in and close up the pockets where the fluid is collecting.  My belly has swollen up quite a bit in the last few days and my pants are barely fitting right now, so that is a sign it’s needed.  The doc is also going to remove some excess skin from my belly, some ‘dog ears’ from my hips and even out the sides of my belly where one side is bigger than the other because less tissue was taken from there.  If everything goes as he said, then the results should be pretty good.

I guess part of me is waiting for something to not go as planned.  I feel like I have too high expectations and that they are going to be dashed away and there will be another complication.  It’s a really pessimistic outlook for me, but at the same time perhaps it is a realistic one too.

The surgeon says the recovery should be about 3 weeks, but wants me to wait 6 for dance because of the abdominal involvement dance requires. That means I will be off the floor until about June 3rd.  Unfortunately (or fortunately?) Boss is going on vacation on June 9th for two weeks, so it is unlikely I will be able to do anything really before he gets back.  I do hope to be back to work at least by then and after the 3-4 week mark.

I also had another disappointment and let down this week, besides resigning from the board of the local dance society.  I worked on a really big project that went really well and found myself looking forward to helping to plan for the next year.  I was feeling great and enthusiastic about it until I met with the person in charge and he told me that he thought I was too involved this year and caused interference.  It was completely unexpected and more or less a rejection.  I am trying to deal with that and figure out where my place on the project might be for the future, and if it’s a role I want to fill.

Just so much going on, the least of which seems to be my health.  I am hopeful I will feel better tomorrow and have a chance to talk to the oncologist to get a clearer picture of what is going on.  I hope I feel up to my lesson tomorrow, so I can at least get one last one in before my next surgery.

Just one more hurdle, right?


2 thoughts on “Feeling low

  1. You have been amazingly positive and strong during this. It can’t be easy to be optimistic all the time with everything that has been thrown at you. If I could send you some strength, I would. But I’m sure I’m not the only one hoping you get a break and have something go well and get back to some semblance of normal. You deserve it.

    Liked by 1 person

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