Seems like there might be one way off in the distance at the end of the tunnel…
The drain was removed today! My surgeon is actually a little perplexed with that though. He has never had a patient go from having so much fluid collect, to basically nothing. He was shocked to see that nothing had drained and even tried to see if he could manually drain anything with a syringe before he removed the full drain. Nothing. He says he is skeptical for now that this is the end of it, but will give it a month to see how it goes. At this point, fluid will either collect or it won’t. The wound is doing all the things it is supposed to, so that isn’t a concern for now either.
I had a great lesson today, but wow my mind is processing a lot of new information about my body.
We were working on standard today in my lesson, focusing on position and moving and CBMP.
My mind is not quite ready to process all the changes my body feels in standard and it is just spinning. We were doing a lot of repetitive work, so that was good to not overwhelm me, but it is still very strange.
I have no concept of my size right now. I am so used to being bigger than I am. On top of that, I am continuing to struggle with having less bulk to maintain a larger area of personal space. Boss actually had to point out to me today that I wasn’t close enough and I wasn’t maintaining enough pressure through our hips and thighs, and I feel like I am quite ‘on top’ of him. It’s a much bigger adjustment than I expected.
I also seem to be tentative when moving in standard. I think that is something I am doing because I am not sure of my balance and don’t really trust my body.
The themes from Boss for today’s lessons seem to be ‘you need to apply more pressure to me’ and ‘you need to move more’–two things I don’t think I have ever heard before.
He told me he is working on trying some things for now and that we are going to focus on standard for the next little while, 2 out of every 3 lessons. It seems like the experimenting is going well. I am ok with focusing on standard because that will force me to adjust and develop a ‘new normal’.
Right now I feel like there are so many things that are just a hair out my grasp for my mind to fully process them–but I know they will come the more we keep doing them.
Already, I can see where the adjustments are slowly coming. I was having a much easier time getting into position today and holding it. While I was finding the personal space issue difficult, it was better than Friday. I am better able to recognize the position my body is in. Boss was encouraging me to move more and more and to worry less about my balance and once I did start moving, my balance started to work out.
On top of my lesson, I also had a really good practice today. I was able to go through all my exercises for the amount of time discussed with Boss, and although I had to give myself time between them, they all seemed to go ok. The issue with my feet was better today too–it is almost a silly thing–on Monday I was wearing socks with my practice shoes, which I never do, and it was making my shoes too tight and causing the cramping and burning. Today, I went without, and almost no issues. That’s a relief!
I am curious to see how I feel tomorrow after today. Yesterday I was pretty tired and went to bed early and rested most of the day. I will say that my muscles are sore in a good way from being used, and it’s been a long time since I have felt that!
I can honestly say that today I feel better than I have in a long time.
So perhaps there is some light….