4.5 weeks


That seems to be the word for the week. Or maybe the month.

I had a set back with healing and moving forward from that is even slower than it was before.  I still have a nurse coming in every day to clean and redress my wounds and monitor the progress.  Today was the first day in a week that there seemed to be some progress, but it is all in spots that looked almost healed, and then opened up again.  I guess I will see how it goes.

I think I am feeling a little disillusioned.  My days are running together because there doesn’t seem to be any difference between them.  I am still doing my small exercises I am allowed, but that gives me about a minute and a half of active activity in a day, followed by 10 minutes of static holds.  Other than that I just seem to sleep.  I am averaging 12-14 hours in a night, and still wanting naps during the day.

It seems surreal to me how much everything has changed in the past month.  I don’t really recognize my body because it looks so different and parts of it are just plain ‘messy’.  Everything feels different.

The elevator has been broken in my building for 4 days now and I live on the 4th floor.  We have no idea when it will be fixed because of the holidays.  It seems they need to order in some parts.  I guess at least climbing 4 flights of uneven stairs twice a day is some activity??

I got word today from my plastic surgeon that I need to start my hormone therapy again.  Another big unknown.  Last time I started it, 3 days later I came down with shingles, so I had to stop it.  I have no idea how I will react to it.

Considering that I am exhausted and healing slowly and already a bit irritable and impatient, I am a little concerned.  I guess time will tell.

I have been thinking about dance a lot lately, although right now I still can’t imagine going back to it.  I think having to wear a cumbersome binder until at least Jan 14th seems to emphasize things being awkward.

Jan 21st is the magical 8 week mark when I am supposed to be able to get back to dance.  It is two days before a competition for boss and all his other students.  I am trying not to think about it.  It is also just 1 year after I started chemo, and was the competition I did just before I started.

I am worried a little that my motivation is so lacking.  I realize with all I am faced and since I am still really restricted, it is not surprising. I just can’t seem to imagine even doing 45 mins of dance in a week…let alone more.

I am sure as I heal more and get closer to being allowed to go back my motivation will return.  I guess I wish I was just more excited about it.

I think what I really need right now is a good change for the better in my healing.  Right now it is just remove bandage, clean, rebandage and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.

One thought on “4.5 weeks

  1. I hear you on the motivation struggles. If you’re like me, you might find that you have to wait until you actually return to the studio and do a little dancing before you start feeling excited about it. I seem to protect myself from being let down by not getting excited about things ahead of time, so I have to start going through the motions of something before I actually start feeling the excitement again.

    Liked by 1 person

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