4.5 weeks

Frustration.

That seems to be the word for the week. Or maybe the month.

I had a set back with healing and moving forward from that is even slower than it was before.  I still have a nurse coming in every day to clean and redress my wounds and monitor the progress.  Today was the first day in a week that there seemed to be some progress, but it is all in spots that looked almost healed, and then opened up again.  I guess I will see how it goes.

I think I am feeling a little disillusioned.  My days are running together because there doesn’t seem to be any difference between them.  I am still doing my small exercises I am allowed, but that gives me about a minute and a half of active activity in a day, followed by 10 minutes of static holds.  Other than that I just seem to sleep.  I am averaging 12-14 hours in a night, and still wanting naps during the day.

It seems surreal to me how much everything has changed in the past month.  I don’t really recognize my body because it looks so different and parts of it are just plain ‘messy’.  Everything feels different.

The elevator has been broken in my building for 4 days now and I live on the 4th floor.  We have no idea when it will be fixed because of the holidays.  It seems they need to order in some parts.  I guess at least climbing 4 flights of uneven stairs twice a day is some activity??

I got word today from my plastic surgeon that I need to start my hormone therapy again.  Another big unknown.  Last time I started it, 3 days later I came down with shingles, so I had to stop it.  I have no idea how I will react to it.

Considering that I am exhausted and healing slowly and already a bit irritable and impatient, I am a little concerned.  I guess time will tell.

I have been thinking about dance a lot lately, although right now I still can’t imagine going back to it.  I think having to wear a cumbersome binder until at least Jan 14th seems to emphasize things being awkward.

Jan 21st is the magical 8 week mark when I am supposed to be able to get back to dance.  It is two days before a competition for boss and all his other students.  I am trying not to think about it.  It is also just 1 year after I started chemo, and was the competition I did just before I started.

I am worried a little that my motivation is so lacking.  I realize with all I am faced and since I am still really restricted, it is not surprising. I just can’t seem to imagine even doing 45 mins of dance in a week…let alone more.

I am sure as I heal more and get closer to being allowed to go back my motivation will return.  I guess I wish I was just more excited about it.

I think what I really need right now is a good change for the better in my healing.  Right now it is just remove bandage, clean, rebandage and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.

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One thought on “4.5 weeks

  1. I hear you on the motivation struggles. If you’re like me, you might find that you have to wait until you actually return to the studio and do a little dancing before you start feeling excited about it. I seem to protect myself from being let down by not getting excited about things ahead of time, so I have to start going through the motions of something before I actually start feeling the excitement again.

    Liked by 1 person

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