Lesson left, that is.
Everything seems very surreal right now.
First, in case I forgot to say yesterday, my pre-op mammogram I had last week came back with no issues. So it looks like my pathology from my surgery will be clear, and in about 2 weeks I will be declared ‘cancer-free’.
Cancer-free. I have been waiting to hear that for more than a year now, so my fingers are well crossed.
My lesson yesterday was not great, but we managed to get done what we hoped to get done. We recorded all the smooth routines with the timing.
I just couldn’t concentrate or focus. For the first time I could really feel the stress of everything coming together and getting duped by fraud was only one part of it.
I cleaned my apartment today and starting packing a little. Tomorrow I will do laundry and finish packing. I have to be at the hospital for 6 am Thursday morning.
I have my last lesson tomorrow, and the plan is to record the rest of my routines, including some of the changes we did in the latin routines on Sunday. I hope my mind will be a little more focused.
Is it strange that I don’t want anyone coming with me to the hospital on Thursday? I don’t know why, but it just seems like this is something I need to face alone.
Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of support, and I know people are there if I need them, but somehow this just seems to be a private thing for me.
Perhaps it is just that this surgery is going to really rearrange my body and make big changes. For starters, I am saying good-bye to my nipples. My breasts are going to be smaller. There is going to be a change in my belly.
I have no idea what this is going to look like when it is done. I have heard I could have a ‘flat tummy’, but then I have also heard not to expect that. I am going to have drains for a few days and be swollen. I could end up with my bottom half smaller than my top. There are a lot of variables.
I actually feel bad because I know I should focus on the fact that this will make me finally better and cancer-free, but a big part of me is focused on the reconstruction. I am vainly hoping that the smaller breasts and belly will help me come a long way in my long weight loss journey. I am looking forward to getting back to regular activity and finally being able to lose the last weight I want to lose. But there is a big part of me that is hoping that after everything I have come through that I will receive a tiny reward of new smaller perky breasts and a flat tummy. At least then I just need to work on my bum and thighs.
Is it wrong to hope for that?
I am worried about how all of this will affect dance, or if it will at all. 8 weeks with no dance seems like an eternity right now, although I am sure the first few weeks will be blury and quick.
I guess I just feel ‘on the verge’ of a lot of things. Hanging right at the edge and not sure what is going to happen when I jump off.
But I am going to survive that jump, and that’s the important part. Everything after I jump is uphill from there, little by little. I can start rebuilding, and I can start moving forward again.
I think it feels surreal for me because for the first time in more than a year I will finish something and there is no ‘next step’ or ‘next phase’ of treatment. Yes, I do have hormonal therapy to start, but somehow that is different. Probably because it will become a regular part of my life for the next 5 years if I can tolerate it.
So many people are rooting for me and I am so blessed in that. I want to come out of this surgery smiling and happy with the results. I want to know it was the right thing for me. I want to know this journey is over so a new one can begin.
After I had my first surgery, I told myself that 2015 is going to be the year I beat cancer.
And so it is going to be.
1 more lesson, and one more phase of treatment.