Uncertainty

I’ve been a little quiet lately.

I think part of me is just trying to process all that is going on and find a new ‘normal’ so to speak.  I also have been just practicing on my own and re-visiting some routines I haven’t run through myself in a while.

The good news is my feet and shoes seem to be slowly starting to get along.  When I was practicing yesterday my feet didn’t cramp up as quickly and the cramping stopped quicker when I gave them a rest.  I only had to stop twice during my standard exercises, which is a huge step forward.

The bad news is I feel like I don’t have a lot of control over my life right now.  I seem to be waiting a lot for input of others to sort out what I am doing from day to day.  The biggest part of that, of course is radiation.  I only get my exact appointment time one day ahead.  So I know I will have radiation every day next week, but I only know the time for Monday.  It just makes me feel anxious and scattered and like I can’t plan anything.

Dance is another place I feel this way right now, but I hope to hear from Boss soon to help sort that out.

I am not sure if doing the competition in October will be really worth it, considering how I might feel.  It’s not a lot of travel, but it is some.  I miss competing though like crazy and I really would love to just get out there and do it.  But I want it to be worth it and to not feel like I wasted my time and money when it’s done.  Even if it is a small amount (relatively speaking compared to other comps), it still takes some consideration.

I also don’t know if my practice goals make sense, or if focusing on standard really makes sense right now either.  I desperately need guidance to help solidify my goals and I am waiting for Boss to give it to me.  I am glad his vacation is almost over.  We had a brief conversation to discuss lesson times, so he can book spaces, but that is really it.  The only other thing he mentioned is that he did some thinking during his vacation and he realized things were not great before his vacation and that he hadn’t really left himself enough time for planning which made him constantly behind.  I was a little glad to hear he had realized that, and that he is working out a strategy to resolve this.  He had been moving my lessons 15 minutes later only 30 minutes before the original lesson and it was driving me crazy.  I hope this will be the end of that.

I am doing ok with radiation so far, except that I have had 4 treatments and the parts of me being treated look already like they are sunburned.  That started by the second day.  The skin feels sensitive to touch, but not sore, however even a little bit of rubbing (even with my own hand) makes it sting a little.  I am hoping that because I am a redhead it is just showing more than usual and that it just stays this pink colour for the rest of the time.  As far as fatigue–I seem to be doing ok.  I have had a little more energy than I did on chemo, but it has been some early nights this week.  I haven’t needed a nap yet to get through the day though, which is an improvement.  I hope to get at least one more week at this level of tiredness.

I think, in general, things are catching up with me and I am feeling a little overwhelmed.  I have had a lot of appointments last week and a lot of information was thrown at me.  I think my mind is just starting to catch up with it all and I am looking to going back to lessons in the week ahead and I don’t know what to expect from them.  There have been some huge adjustments in my life, and my time is not completely my own.  I also don’t really know what to expect for side effects from radiation and part of me is almost holding my breath waiting.  I can’t seem to let the breath out.

I am hopeful things will get better next week as hopefully some of my questions are answered and radiation progresses.

4 rounds down, 24 to go.  It will be less than 20 this time next week.

Have to count the little things.

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