I always seem to have a bit of a ‘sober’ moment the day after a performance or competition. A bit like a day of evaluation I guess.
I am waiting to hear from boss a little better what he thought. I think he is pleased, but it is hard to tell when he just gives me a ‘high-5’–that seems to say more ‘good effort’ more so than ‘good job’. He did ask me what was going on near the end of the routine because he could tell I was having a moment where I was a little scattered and he was worried I was going to stop. All that happened was that my brain got a little ahead of my feet and thought I had skipped something. My feet knew what they were doing though, so I actually didn’t miss anything and everything synced up for the ending. I can definitely see in the video where I was quite tired and everything was ‘smaller’ that it could have been.
All things considering, I really do think it went very well, and I am proud to have done it.
So now it’s time to start moving forward. Not only will I re-start treatments this week, we should move onto some different stuff in dance as well.
That means it is necessary to try to resolve the touching issue, which is a conversation I am NOT looking forward to.
I have been giving it a lot of thought and I managed to pinpoint the incident that basically led to me feeling ashamed and needing to apologize every time I have to touch boss in any way that is different from basic hold (which is mostly in latin).
Long story short, a year and a half ago, we were working on a showcase rumba and I misunderstood what boss was asking me to do and I touched his face, which he wasn’t expecting, thinking that was what he was asking. His reaction was quite intense and I felt so terrible about how he reacted and ashamed to have made such a bad mistake I have been basically afraid to touch him since, in case I make a similar mistake. He made it quite clear that day that he does not like to be touched, and endures it for his work.
That was the one and only time he and I have ever discussed body contact and he was basically yelling at me for making an accidental mistake.
In hindsight, a lot makes sense when considering that. I was so ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated at the time that I have just avoided the topic ever since.
For boss’s part, I think the incident may have just been a bit of a ‘blip’ on his radar that he didn’t realize had such an impact on me, and for that matter my dancing. I really have no idea though. So, last night I took a deep breath and wrote and email to him explaining the issue I am having and how I am finding it is starting to affect my dancing, especially if we are going to start working more on detailing in latin.
It’s a first step, but I am not sure if there is any way or any thing he can say to help resolve this. I don’t think his feelings on the matter have changed, but perhaps there is more to that incident from his perspective, or he didn’t realize how the incident has made me feel ever since.
I don’t know, but at least now I have asked.